I was just talking to my friend Tracy Feitisahaady about her impending motherhood, and it quickly became clear to me that this posting was necessary. For those of you who mis-read the title of this posting and thought you were coming here to find out what you need to do to actually have a new baby, I’m sorry. This posting is about the things you need in your house when you bring your bundle of joy home from the hospital. But just so you are not totally frustrated in your conception attempts, I will give you a hint: Birds. Bees.
Now that you’ve gotten that icky conception part out of the way, you will probably be very worried about getting ready for your little miracle. You will be worried, of course, because you will have received various catalogs filled with baby items, and you will have walked through the baby aisle at Target or Wal*Mart and will have noticed the bajillion items for sale that are labeled as must-haves. I am here to set your mind at ease Future Parents of America. Here is a realistic list of what you will need for the first two months after the baby is born.
That’s it. As long as the baby has a clean diaper and a clean onesie, you are all set. Here is a list of things you do NOT need, so don’t listen to all the capitalism.
1. Bottles – You have all the food your baby needs. You’ve had it inside of you all along! Don’t buy bottles and formula! Your baby does not want that!
2. A Crib – Your baby does not want to sleep in a crib, or a bassinet, or a cradle. Your baby wants to sleep in the bed with you, and will scream if you do not let it, and believe me, after a few weeks with no sleep, you will let that screaming baby do whatever it wants. You will buy that baby a car if it wants. You will let it invite its friends over for wild parties. And you will certainly not make it sleep in some lame crib that is sitting up to four feet from the food supply. That’s like 2 miles in baby distance.
3. Clothes – Do not, I repeat, do NOT buy your baby any clothes. This is why we have baby showers. You will get so many pieces of clothing that you will be able to clothe Nadya Suleman’s children. And these clothes will all be in sizes of 0-6 months. So don’t have a large baby, and don’t buy anything in those sizes.
4. A Baby Monitor – You may not know this yet, but babies are LOUD. You will be able to hear your baby from several blocks away. You will also think you hear your baby every 5-10 minutes, even when your baby is sleeping. What you need is some sort of Anti-Monitor that prevents you from hearing your baby when you are trying to sleep. Last time I checked they did not have these at Target, but I keep looking.
5. A Stroller – Oh, how cute. You actually think you are going to be able to leave the house and go somewhere. Not right away dears.
So to reiterate, the only things you really need are diapers and onesies. Everything else you can get later. Sure, it’s good to be prepared, but don’t stress out if you don’t have the nursery painted when the baby comes. Babies don’t care what color the walls are.