I’m not going to tell you exactly what happened this morning. You don’t need to know. It’s the proverbial T.M.I. that you always hear people talk too much about. Suffice it to say that I woke up in a puddle of circumstances too dire to describe, and I have had to cancel my day in order to take care of my sick child. I shouldn’t even really be writing this right now. I should be standing watch, in case it happens again.
The problem is that my entire house now smells like a sewer. For those of you that know me well, you know that I have little to no sense of smell. So let me appropriately horrify you by saying that the terrible stench emanating from pretty much every part of my house is causing me to feel physically ill, and if I didn’t have to stay home all day I would be soooo out of here. But I cannot leave. I am trapped. Help me. I am going to die.
I did try to remove the offending materials from the building as quickly as I could. I stuffed soiled sheets and blankets and towels and pillowcases into a garbage bag and took them over to the laundry room for decontamination. It did occur to me, in a very serious way, that I was holding a trash bag full of evil, and that the dumpster was riiiiight next to the laundry room, and wouldn’t it be easy to just walk those few extra steps and be done with it. But I just bought a new car. I cannot afford new sheets too.
Even with the laundry gone, and the trash taken out, the smell remains. I have used the stuff we use for cat accidents. I have scrubbed and soaked and squirted. I have sprayed perfumed items liberally, which only made it worse. Finally, I had only one choice. I opened the windows and turned the fans on. I don’t know if I really need to say this, given that I am in Vermont in February, but since we had a few 40 degree days recently, I will say it anyway. It is cold out. It is now also cold in. Cold and smelly. At this point, I guess my plan is to freeze to death so that I will no longer be able to detect odors permanently.
Given that we now live in the future, I would have thought that, by now, scientists would have come up with a device that could render smells visible. This way I could freeze the smells, and then throw them out the window, onto my unsuspecting neighbors. Unfortunately, I cannot seem to find such a device on Amazon. Or even on eBay! This is ridiculous. If I can’t have flying cars, I should at least have visible, solid smells. Get on that, science!
So, in closing, if any of you have any suggestions on how to de-sewer my once happy home, please leave me a comment. And don’t say “flamethrower.” I’ve already thought of that, but I don’t have access to one.