I love many things that are terrible. I freely admit it. But terrible in a “mass produced for generic public consumption way,” not in an “objectively terrible” way. For instance, I like Katy Perry. I like her not in spite of that fact that she uses a limited number of chords and includes thumping background beats and sings about being slutty, but because of it. Her music is good in that the harmoic progressions are strung together in the proper order, and her lyrics make grammatical sense, and after that it is just a matter of personal preference.
I also love Harry Potter. Yes, they are “kids books,” or “young adult books” if you will. But all that means is that they are written in a style that kids will enjoy and at a reading level that is appropriate for their designated audience. They are in no way “bad” books. They might not be your cup of tea, and maybe you don’t want to read books intended for 14 year olds, and that’s fine, but they are still good books, for what they are. But “Twilight” flat out sucks, and even babies know it.
When the Twilight craze was starting up a few years ago, I was curious. I had loved other popular young adult series, such as Harry Potter, Lemony Snicket, and Artemis Fowl. Perhaps another future classic had just been written. Out of curiosity, I picked up a copy at an airport bookstore during a layover. And by “picked up a copy” I do not mean “purchased.” I mean that I walked over to the display of Twilight books and lifted one up with my hands. Then I made the terrible mistake of opening the book and reading some of the “writing” that was printed there.
Let me say, most assuredly, that Twilight is a bad book. Oh, I’m not saying there are not good ideas in there. I would totally read a book about Vampires and Werewolves dating each other, or whatever else happens in those pages. The problem is that it is poorly written. I don’t know who edited those things, but they should really be fired. The sentence structure alone is a crime against humanity. And why are you writing books about teenage vampire sex at a second grade reading level? Inappropriate! Actually, that is too kind. I meant at a second grade writing level. Seriously, I have read better stuff from second graders. Not lying.
So I am baffled by the immense popularity of what is clearly a terribly written piece of trash. Yes, technically that is only my opinion, but I feel confident that if one were to convene an impartial scientific panel to study the series and determine its overall quality, that the same conclusions would be reached. And then they went and made movies out of these abysmal culture crimes! And they were popular and successful! What is going on here!?
Ok, I have never seen any of the movies (not even the first parts while stuck in an airport), so I cannot attest to their quality, but I suppose, to be fair, that they can’t be any worse than the books. Luckily, the phenomenon is almost over with the upcoming release of Twilight: Breaking Wind – Fart Two. I know that this is coming up, because last night I was out at the movies with my wife, my brother-and-sister-in-law, and their baby, and we saw a preview for the film. As soon as that preview came on and KStew starting fighting that panther, the baby went nuts. Screaming! Crying! Throwing a fit! She could not be comforted, but no one in the theater said anything, because she was speaking for all of us. Luckily the preview eventually ended and the baby calmed back down and we all enjoyed “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” very much. Especially the baby. She never made another peep.
And so, in conclusion, I present this case as concrete evidence that Twilight is terrible and even babies hate it. In a recent survey of one baby, 100% of babies screamed and cried at the sight of Twilight, and rightly so. People of Earth, I implore you, please stop supporting things that are bad. I mean, even Jersey Shore is kind of supposed to be bad, right? Nobody actually watches that and says “This is a classic show that will live forever in the history books of goodness.” No! You watch it and say, “Wow, this is terrible. I can’t believe I am watching this clearly intentionally terrible program. Please pass the dip.” But some people seem to actually think that Twilight is good, and this is bad for everyone. So don’t go see it when it comes out on November. Go see something good that your baby will enjoy. You know, like “Paranormal Activity 4”, or “Here Comes the Boom.” Actually, nevermind. Culture is dead. Go see what you want.