Baby Names for the Evil or Stupid

I have compiled here a handy list of baby names for people who do not like their babies and wish to saddle them with horrible monikers that will follow them cruelly for the rest of their lives.  There are 5 main categories of terrible names, and they are as follows:

1) Naming Your Children After Alcohol
My mother has had dealings with a bunch of random children recently, one of them being named Alizé.  Why would you do this?  Do you want your child to start drinking when they are 11?  This is evil/stupid of you.  Even if you call him “Buddy”, eventually, when he goes to school, your son Budweiser is going to figure out what you did.  Other bad names in this category, even though they are very pretty, are “Tequila,” “Margarita,” “Daiquiri,” “Ginny,” and “Appletini.”  On a related side note, if your last name is Daniels, then naming your son Jack is as bad as if you named your daughter “Sexonthebeach.”

2) Making Up a Name By Combining Random Words
I can’t believe this even has to be a category, but Alizé has a brother who’s first name is Geraldriver.  One word, no space.  Geraldriver.  They call him River.  I feel that this falls more into the stupid category though.  No one could have possibly MEANT to name someone that.  It was probably a typo.  Parents: please make sure on the form that you leave a space between names, and check to make sure there maybe isn’t a separate spot for middle names.  And if it was intentional, then God help us all.  Other names to avoid in this category are “Phillipdumpster,” “Ericrainbow,” and “Engelberthumperdinck.”

3) Naming Your Children After Things You Like
I once knew a girl called Aquanetta.  That’s not a name, that’s a hairspray!  Also, before you get started, there is no one named Lemonjello or Orangejello, they are not brothers and you have not met them.  You probably have a friend who says they’ve met them, and you yourself may have lied about meeting them, but you haven’t.  Neither has your friend.  Unless there are hundreds of brothers with those names that went to tons of neighboring high schools with friends of friends of mine from all over the country, this is an urban legend.  Sorry to disappoint you.  But Aquanetta was real.  Other names you might want to avoid are “KFCelia,” “Cocacollette,” “Wal*Marsha,” and “Icantbelieveitsnotbryan.”

4) Naming Your Children After Famous Characters and Celebrities
We all remember the poor fate of Michael Bolton in Office Space, doomed because someone with his name became famous.  This is not what I am talking about.  If your name is Harry Potter and you are 50 years old, tough break, dude.  But if your name is Harry Potter and you are 7?  Your parents must have read this list.  And then, I suppose, traveled back in time and named you.  Regardless, this is no laughing matter.  I almost had a nephew named Gandalf Dumbledore.  Believe me, as much as I WANTED to name my son “Spider-Man,” my wife would not let me.  So it is not my fault that he does not match the bathroom.  Other good names to ruin your children with are “Aslan,” “Chewbacca,” “Carrie Bradshaw,” and “Rigoletto.”

5) Pretending to Make Up a New Name By Messing With the Spelling
Last but certainly not least, if you are evil and/or stupid and wish for your child to become a stripper, by all means, start switching around vowels in their names.  Perhaps you like the name “Ashley,” but feel that it is not slutty enough.  Just spell it “Ashli” and, tada!, you have made up a new name.  No, no, seriously, I’m just kidding.  You didn’t make up a new name, nor is it unique.  Your kid is still named “Ashley.”  It sounds the same.  It’s the same name, it just makes her seem less intelligent on paper.  And also, fifty other parents just had the same evil idea you did.  But wait, what to do with all the extra “y”s now floating around?  No problem, plenty of other new parents want the same effect, but with different names.  You can trade!  You need an “i” and have an extra ‘”y” do you?  Well, somebody somewhere just decided that Jessica wasn’t skanky enough.  No, they want a daughter named Jessyca.  Give them your “y” for their “i” and problem solved!  Other popular stripped names based on actual names are “Rylee,” “Jordyn,” “Jazmyn,” “Karli,” and “Alyxyndra.”

Now, please let me be very clear here.  If you have one of these names, I am not judging you in any way.  It’s not your fault.  And if you have children with one of these names, well…..there’s still a CHANCE that they will not turn out to be strippers, but keep a close eye out.

Follow Up Posts: More Baby Names for the Evil or Stupid, & Baby Names for the Eviler or Stupider

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8 Comments

  1. Yes, the gratuitous apostrophe must be outlawed unless you actually need the glottal stop in the name.

    On a related note, if you plan to use a name from a culture other than your own, it’s still okay to spell it the way they do. No Waneeta, just Juanita.

    Thanks for the lunchtime laugh, A.

  2. Just a couple of comments – first, you completely misunderstood poor Geraldriver. The correct deconstruction would be Geral Driver, which comes from the driving of Gerals back in the old country.

    Second, there really weren’t Orangejellos and Lemonjellos? I’m crushed. Lemoncrushed.

    Third, I’d like to share with you a few of my own alter-ego names. I hope you like them.

    1. In the days when I was waitressing, it was Taffee.
    2. In the days when I became acquainted with the Baltimore Ruxton set, it was Cricket.
    3. In the other societies of Baltimore, it was Takwankwa.
    I suppose I needed to choose these names for myself because, like every other 3rd female born in 1955, my name was Patricia Ann. Oh, Tenordad, what was I to do?

  3. I hadn’t even considered the evilness of naming your child the same name as everyone else! And those are some good rules as well people! Perhaps a follow-up post is needed…

  4. Pingback: More Baby Names for the Evil or Stupid | Tenor Dad

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