This year for Thanksgiving my family and I were hosted by my best friend, Bleric Ack. And when I say hosted, I mean hosted. It’s easy to forget, when one is constantly surrounded by family members shouting at you to take the crusty potatoes out of the microwave, how it feels to truly be hosted. Despite asking repeatedly if we could help, Bleric and his Thanksgiving teammate Bat had it under control. They cooked all the food. They set a beautiful table. They provided toys and treats for my children. Bat’s Mom was visiting as well, and they didn’t let her help out either. It was like they had gone to professional hosting school and we were their graduate thesis. Well, except for one thing…
There is one secret that remained a mystery to all of us, which was, of course, the secret of turkey carving. There it sat, a giant cooked bird, full of delicious meat that was surrounded by various traps and pitfalls in the form of bones and bendier bone-like devices. Bleric and Bat gave me the honor of being the turkey carver, because, as it turns out, they had no idea what they were doing either. Batmom was also no help. That meant that it was up to me to save Thanksgiving!
Bat was the most knowledgeable among us, for he had attempted to master the turkey of secrets by taking a thirty-second carving course via the internet, which he then happily explained to me over my shoulder as I awkwardly poked the bird with an over-sized fork. Apparently I was supposed to cut the thing down the middle and then cut horizontally to the center, thus creating a quadrant of meat that I could then slice into chunks of some sort. Yeah, okay. I’ll give that a go.
I don’t think I quite got it. I did manage to get all of the skin to slide off onto the platter, so that was something at least. It quickly became clear to me that I needed a more vicious tool to remove the treasure from this poultry trove, so I switched out the carving knife for a serrated blade that worked with deadly speed. At last, a chunk! I got a chunk of meat off of the bird! And then another, and another! Here a chunk! There a chunk! Everywhere a chunk! Chunk!
By the time I was through, I had mastered the turkey of secrets and had removed at least 80% of the meat off of the thing. The other 20% hung off of the savory skeleton in bits and pieces, but those would be very tasty later in a soup, so I left them alone. When it was all sawed and done, I was roundly praised by all in attendance for making quick work of that terrible mystery. And it was terribly delicious too, although I probably can’t take the credit for that. That was all Bleric. And be sure to tune in next time for another exciting adventure: Bleric Ack and the Giblet of Fire!