My Eight-Year-Old Learns to Drive

Every day he asks me if he can drive the car. When I decline his generous offer my 8-year-old son asks if he can at least start the car. And maybe release the e-break. And then shift it into reverse for me so we can pull out of the parking spot. And I often say […]

The Last (and First) Ride of the Blue Lemon

13 years ago today I married Tenor Mom on the best day of my life. 13 years ago tomorrow we left for our honeymoon, a Caribbean cruise that remains one of the best trips I have ever taken. And 13 years ago next week we returned from the cruise, ready to drive home from Vermont […]

How to Get (and Keep!) That New Car Gummy Worm Smell

I had the same first car twice. It was a red 1991 Mazda 323 hatchback and I loved it. After my brother destroyed the first one (although he will tell you that I destroyed it, a story for another day), I got another one just like it. Both of these cars were gifts from my […]

I Am Not My Body

It was as I was thinking about taking my car in for its periodic oil change and tune-up that it occurred to me. I am not my body. I inhabit my body, to be sure, but I have no more control over it than I do over my car. It isn’t me; it is something […]

Mastering Edwardian Speech

When one lives with an Edward, one is immersed in all things Edwardian. You live in an Edwardian house, noted for their train track covered floors and high pitched shrieking; you eat Edwardian food, mainly hot dogs; and you are well versed in Edwardian fashion, which is to say, constant nudity. But one cannot live […]

A Brief Account of the Bad Smell(s) in My Car

For Mother’s Day my wife asked for a very specific gift, that being that the children and I clean out the car. The car was, admittedly, a mess, containing various items that the children and I have left in it over the stretch of time since the last major cleaning. These items we dutifully cleaned up, […]

How to Cram Two Children and a Large Tree into a Mazda 5

“It’ll fit,” I said, sizing up the tree out in the field. “It’s the perfect size.” My wife was the one who’d found it, using her spacial awareness superpowers to sniff out the perfectly sized and shaped tree for our living room. She wasn’t in costume, but her superpowers still worked. Ruby agreed that this […]

Racing a Bus at the DMV

I walked in at 10:30, prepared this time. I had my passport. I had my social security card, signed sloppily by 7-year-old me. I had a check stub. I had several pieces of mail. I had the vial of blood. I was ready to renew my driver’s license. Thirty minutes they told me, and I […]

6 Cars

When that guy slammed into the side of our car in a desperate effort to get to Texas Roadhouse for some steaks, it set off a terrible chain of events that has only now been resolved, nearly two months later. You see, the guy was not insured. Luckily, Geico came to our rescue. Even though they […]

I Blinked and I Missed It

Hello, my name is Tenor Dad and I am an American. As a citizen of the United States I feel as though I am entitled to all of the things at all of the times in all of the places. The idea of choosing some things while not choosing others is only acceptable to me if […]