The Only People Worse Than Morning People

I am not a morning person. You know this. You know that I am unable to function before 10 am, no matter what time I get up. And you probably already know that morning people are the absolute worst. Their chipper smiles and happy greetings seem to mock your pain as they move about the […]

Tenor Dad’s Workout Journal – Week 1

Wednesday 10:15 AM – Well, it’s done. I published it on my blog. I am going to work out for at least 30 minutes a day for all of Lent. If I don’t do it, then everyone will know. I mean, I could lie about it. These people don’t know if anything I say is […]

Shut the Howl Up

They grit their teeth and bear it for the first few seconds, like most people, but when it doesn’t stop they finally realize they have to say something. Aren’t they in charge after all? “Edward! Please stop making that noise!” Their pleas fall on deaf ears. At least I assume all the ears in the […]

This Year I’m Giving Up Being Fat and Lazy

There was a slightly awkward silence in the room as we all tried to fill it with mumbles and smiles and half-sentences. “I’m not saying that you have to do anything!” Rev. Dark Murmurs insisted, “I was just wondering if you were doing anything for Lent this year.” It seemed as though no one in the room, […]

The Magical Perfect Hour of 10 AM

You don’t need to be a stay-at-home dad to know this. You don’t have to be retired. All you have to do is take a sick day, or a mental health day, and you will at once discover that there is no more perfect hour than 10 AM. It is, unquestionably and without condition, the […]

Poop in the Pool

As you know, I have recently joined a gym.  As you also know, it is far too expensive to actually use the gym, due to the fact that I have small children that I am not allowed to balance on the handlebars of my exercise bicycle, and so am required to pay money for their […]

My Fitness Consultation

Good news!  My stint in Coke Rehab is working!  I have lost almost 20 pounds, and am now on my way to being actually not fat, instead of just relatively not fat.  I know this because I had my fitness consultation yesterday. My second trip to the gym went much better than my first trip.  […]

I Joined a Gym

I have been to “the gym” exactly three times in my life.  The first time was when I was in college and my roommates (who always seemed to be going to the gym) asked if I wanted to come along.  I went in, fooled around a little bit, annoyed my roommates to no end, decided […]