The Only People Worse Than Morning People

I am not a morning person. You know this. You know that I am unable to function before 10 am, no matter what time I get up. And you probably already know that morning people are the absolute worst. Their chipper smiles and happy greetings seem to mock your pain as they move about the early part of the day with such pleasure that you are certain that they are demons masquerading as humans. They are just the absolute worst. You want to punch them in their smug little faces. And yet I have recently discovered a group of people who are even worse. Healthy people.

The thing about morning people is that they eventually go away. The morning ends, they start to get tired, their smiles slowly fade, and they weaken and fall from power right as you ascend to your full glory. This is the only consolation you have when dealing with morning people; you know that eventually the strife will be over and you will win the day. Ha ha! Take that morning people! It won’t be morning for ever! But healthy people, oh man, they are healthy all the freaking time!

I am on a diet. It is going very well actually. I have now lost 8 pounds since last Thursday when my doctor told me I had better get myself under control. I am sure that the first 5 was just Coke Weight, but I feel pretty good about the other 3. I have eaten nothing good for five days now. I have become a squirrbbit, eating only seeds, nuts, and leafy things. But I have done it. And it is working, which is the worst part. But no, actually, the worst part is the healthy people.

Part of this new regime of mine includes working out 6 days a week, which seems excessive to me, but I am not a doctor. So I go to the gym, where I am greeted by the insufferable smiles of the skinny jerks at the front desk. They greet me warmly, as if I were there to enjoy myself. Would you grin and say “Great to see you!” to a virgin you were about to throw into a volcano? And yet there they sit, all healthy and self-satisfied, when they can clearly see how fat and tired I am. Maybe they are trying to be encouraging, but that is what the morning people say too, and I don’t believe them either.

I would say that morning people and healthy people are equally horrible, except for one terrible, terrifying fact: healthy people do not get fat and lazy at the end of the day. They stay healthy. They work at being healthy, and we never get to trade places. The best I can hope for is, after years of torture, to be as healthy as they are, but I will never get the upper hand over them. And let’s be honest, I am never going to be as in shape as they are anyway. I am going to get healthy enough, and then I am going to live my life to the fullest, which does not include being at the gym 24/7.

I suppose I will have to learn to live with the healthy people, the same way that I have to learn to deal with the morning people. It will just be harder. I can generally avoid the morning people by staying indoors until the morning is over. The healthy people will always be at the gym, where I must now spend 6 days a week. So I will see them. And they will smile at me. And I will try not to scowl so deeply at them when they say such nasty things as “would you like a towel?” And maybe someday I will be a healthy person too. Or, at least a healthier person.

Posted in Doctors, Gym, Health.

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