Do Not Read This If You Have a Weak Stomach

Well, it finally happened. A baby situation so disgusting that I actually started vomiting myself. It’s been close on several occasions, but I have always managed to keep it together, until today. Apologies in advance to all the non-parents out there, but we parents tell diaper stories like you all tell drunken bender stories.

So Edward is playing in his ExerSaucer and I am about to step into the shower, when Ruby comes running up the stairs yelling “Dada, Dada! Edward is throwing up out his nose all over his self!”. For a moment I think to myself, “Just get in the shower, pretend you didn’t hear that,” but no, that would be wrong. Beautifully, wonderfully wrong.

So I go downstairs to assess the situation. It doesn’t seem that bad, just some goo on his face. I get a baby wipe and start to wipe him off, when I see the puke all over the front of his outfit. After a halfhearted attempt to clean it up with a wipe, I realize that the outfit needs to come off; it is too gross to wear. Then I get the brilliant idea (because I still can’t pick him up with my left arm) that I will unsnap the crotch of the outfit and pull it off without picking him up. It is hot enough today that he can play in his diaper while I take a shower, and I can dress him when I am done.

So I reach down, unsnap the outfit and get his arms out. I grab it from the back and pull it off over his head, only to realize that my hand is now covered in poop. Not only that, but his whole outfit was full of poop, and it is now all up his back and in his hair. And it is chunky, and full of recognizable food. So I try and grab the wipes, but is too late to save the ExerSaucer. I pull him up out of it and put him down to change his diaper.

Oh, the smell. Normally I have little to no sense of smell, but Ruby was yelling from the other room about how bad the smell was, and I was right there in it. Puke, poop, and it was everywhere. I was so close to being done, only a few more wipes to go, but I lost it. I was trying to get it out of his hair when I started throwing up. Thank goodness I made it to the sink. It was at this point that I just took him up into the shower with me, which he really hated. Edward was screaming, I was screaming, Ruby was screaming just to be a part of it I think, and I scrubbed him down without mercy. Lucky for me I had been naked this whole time.

Anyway, that was my morning. What did you do?

Posted in Bad Parenting, Edward, Parenting.


  1. This is pretty much the best birth control I’ve ever heard of.

    I found myself in a similar situation…mostly explosive diarrhea of a 3 year old who didn’t get to the bathroom on time…while babysitting one night. Nearly threw up in that situation myself. (And oh, was I tempted to just leave her in the bathtub until her parents came home!)
    You deserve a medal!

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