Today is our nation’s birthday. Happy Birthday America! Now, I have a lot of feelings about this country. Some of them are positive, and some of them are negative. I know a lot of people will take today as an opportunity to explain to you exactly what is wrong with this country, and they are probably correct in their complaints. But I also have a lot of friends and family members, and I have a lot of positive and negative feelings about most of them as well. It seems to me that on someone’s birthday, you try not to mention everything that is wrong with them and why they ought to change.
So in that spirit, I will withhold any feelings I have about why this country may not be 100% awesome. There is plenty of time for that tomorrow. Today, I say to America, “Congratulations! You made it another year!” America is a fine place to live and does a lot of great things for its citizens. Thanks for being a pal, America. Have a round on me. You deserve it! To the United States! The best country a guy could live in. May your 237th year be even more fulfilling than your 236th. And a pinch to grow an inch. Now where’s the cake?