Well, it’s been a crazy election season, but today it all culminates in that simple action of a vote. Here in opera land we have been at the polls all morning, trying to get statements from some of the more recognizable characters as to which candidate they cast their ballots for. Some were very willing to talk to us, although we regret to report that when we asked Peter Quint whom he supported, he flew ephemerally through a window and vanished into thin air, so we have no data on his preferred candidate.
NEMORINO – As an uneducated white man with no college degree, the public has long assumed that young Nemorino would be casting his vote for the Republican, Donald Trump. As it turns out, according to Nemorino himself, he actually voted for Democrat Hillary Clinton. When asked why, he said only that he was attracted to wealthy women above his station, and that he was also somewhat drunk.
DUCA DI MANTUA – The Duke of Mantua, surrounded by armed guards, cast his vote today for Trump. Sporting a t-shirt under his velvet cape that said “Grab ‘Em By the Fica,” the Duke bragged loudly that he supports anyone who is as big a fan of adultery and abuse of power as himself, and also that women need to be put in their place as they are extremely fickle, like feathers on the wind. We would like to take this time to remind our audience that Tenor Dad is not endorsing the views of any of these characters, and we would encourage our readers not to grab anyone’s fica.
QUEEN OF THE NIGHT – We attempted to get a statement from the beloved monarch, but her answer was so high-pitched that our human ears could not make it out. Our canine reporters seemed to think she had indicated support for Libertarian Gary Johnson, who supports local queen’s rights and less oversight from far-off cults and princes, but they could not be sure due to the squirrel that ran by during the cadenza.
SCARPIA – We spotted Baron Scarpia coming out of the polling station, but he indicated that he was planning to abstain from the election this year. When asked why he was at the polling place at all, he would say only that he was looking forward to intimidating voters and, if possible, engaging in some extortion. We tried to report him to the police, but when we called them they told us to redirect all complaints to the head of police, Baron Scarpia.
BOTTOM – Popular comic relief and half-donkey Bottom has voted for Green Party candidate Jill Stein, citing her care for the environment as well as her protection of the animal population through the creation of the animal-rights committee.
GIANNI SCHICCHI – Mr. Schicchi came out and declared his support for Trump, on account of his successful career as a lying con-man who enjoys tricking people and stealing their money. However cameras inside the polling station clearly capture Schicchi’s vote for Clinton. When confronted about this fact, he admitted that he was lying to us earlier just for the thrill of it. When asked why he was supporting Clinton over Trump, he simply shrugged and said “Look, I have a daughter, okay?”
MEPHISTOPHELES – The devil himself was seen coming out of the building with an “I Voted” sticker smoldering on his chest. He is quoted as saying “I wrote in Bernie Sanders. It’s basically just a more evil way of voting for Trump. Mwa ha ha ha haaaaaa!”