How to Dance Like a Muppet

If you have ever had the pleasure of attending a wedding or other similar event that I am also participating in, then you have probably had the chance to check out my excellent dance moves.  As anyone will tell you, what I lack in skill, I make up for in enthusiasm.  I will happily try out any dance I ever seen, or even heard of, such as the macarena, the running man, the twist, the chicken dance, the funky chicken, and the chicken macarena.

Although the number of dances I pretend to know is quite large, in general one could describe my dance style as “muppety.”  This simply means that whenever I get out onto the dance floor, large numbers of people generally inform me that I look like a muppet.  Obviously they are all jealous of my fine dancing ability, and so I thought it a kind and generous service to explain to the common folk how they too can dance like a muppet.

Now muppets are part puppet and part marionette, so the trick is to get just the right amount of each into your dance moves.  To get the proper arm position, pretend that there is a string attached to each of your wrists.  Extend your arms out and let your elbows and hands hang limp, but keep your wrists high.  Now waggle your arms about wildly, taking great pains to ensure that each movement originate from your wrists.

Your legs should sort of just dangle there and give the appearance that they are being dragged about the floor, sometimes giving jolted kicks up into the air.  This is difficult to accomplish, as you also need your legs to hold you up, so you will want to practice this as often as possible, preferably in a setting that simulates a wedding or a party with large numbers of people.  Probably your place of business.

The tricky part of all of this is to remember that there is a hand shoved up your backside controlling your mouth.  You don’t want to get so limp and noodley that your whole torso becomes jelly.  No, you will want a stiffer torso to contrast your flailing limbs.  Once you have this going, the last part is the facial expression that completes the package.  Open your mouth as wide as possible and bug your eyes out.  Perfect.  And are you doing the dance moves I taught you?  Wonderful!  You are now ready to attend any formal event that may require dancing.

The next time you are invited to a social gathering, you can take comfort in the fact that everyone will be impressed with your muppety moves.  And remember, acting like a muppet is perfectly fine in many other non-dancing social gatherings, such as jury selection, the checkout line, and church.  Good luck, have fun, and I’ll see you on the dance floor!