How To Dress Your Fat Babies

One of my wife’s co-workers recently had a baby, and that baby just happens to be on the larger side of average.  Being a first time parent, this poor woman is concerned that her baby may eventually grow into some sort of giant person, such as a sumo wrestler or an average American.  In fact, her 3-month old baby tried on a 12 month sized outfit, and it fit perfectly!  So being an experienced parent in these matters (Edward weighed more at 2 months than her son does at 3 months), I thought I ought to give her a little advice.  Because let’s face it, all clothing sizes are not created equal.

CLOTHING BRANDS FOR FAT BABIES TO AVOID

HATLEY
Seriously, Hatley?  What were you smoking when you came up with these sizes?  My child, when solidly in the 3T range in all other sizes, had to be stuffed into your 5T jammies like a sausage.  Believe me, none of us enjoyed that.  If Elmo was not on them we would have destroyed them months ago.  Hatley clothes are made for the twig people, of which I am not one and neither are my children.  My kids are not overweight, but they sure look that way when we try to squeeze their arms and legs into your tiny little sleevelets.  For the amount of money we pay for your stuff, you could include a bit more fabric, don’t you think?

BABY GAP
And if you think trying to wedge your baby into Hatley stuff is hard, wait until you get a load of  Baby Gap.  Look, Baby Gap, my toddler does not need skinny jeans.  Honestly, no one ought to be wearing jeans that tight, although if consenting adults want to lie on the bed kicking their legs into the air and then jumping around the room like a kangaroo trying to get that button to hold on for dear life, that’s their business.  My children need room to breathe.  And grow!  If I buy your clothes in a size that will actually fit the width of my children’s arms and legs and torsos and whatnot, those sleeves and pant legs will be twice as long as necessary and they will wander around looking like these guys:

Not cool.

GERBER
Just as a warning to you, the Gerber people make their clothes exclusively for babies the actual size of the pictures of babies on their food jars.  So when they say their onesie is for children 0-3 months old, they assume that this child is about 6 inches tall and weighs about 1 tennis ball.  Unless you are raising Thumbelina or Tom Thumb, do not buy Gerber clothes.

CLOTHING BRANDS FOR REGULAR FAT OLD BABIES

CARTER’S
If your kids are not wearing Carter’s sleepers, they do not know what they are missing.  So roomy and spacious, but also so fuzzy, soft, and warm.  They are guaranteed extra cuddles when they wear these items, because us parents just want to snuggle them like little teddy bears.  No, for real.  Get some Carter’s clothes.  All of their clothes are great, not just the pajamas.  And you can actually fit your limbs into them, which I as a consumer feel is very important, but which some companies seem to put low on the priority list.

OLD NAVY
Don’t let their name fool you.  You can actually get new clothes there, and in many other colors besides navy blue.  And the clothes actually seem to fit correctly, even if you are not tiny.  We have a lot of clothes from Old Navy, and not only are they appropriately sized, but they last a long time too.  That means you can save them for your next child, give them away to other people with babies, or keep using them if your baby decides to stay a baby forever due to how stupid the adult world is.

GYMBOREE
As far as I can tell, Gymboree clothes are a good fit for your normal to large sized babies, and we definitely grow them big here at the Tenor Dad household so I should know.  We don’t have a ton of Gymboree stuff, but the stuff that we do have fits well and is not made for stick people.  You can feel confident that when you purchase Gymboree clothes, your fat baby will enjoy a full range of motion and not be stuck in one position, vainly trying to flap their arms from side to side.

Hopefully this will help all of you fat baby owners out there, and don’t be offended if you have a tiny twig baby or a Lilliputian of some sort.  Your babies are beautiful and need to be well dressed too!  Just reverse the above advice and you will also be on your way to outfitting your Kate Moss shaped child in clothing that will not make them look like they are wearing their Dad’s onesies.