Ask Tenor Dad

Ask Tenor Dad is a feature of the Tenor Dad column in which Tenor Dad attempts to answer readers’ commonly asked questions.  We just thought we should tell you, since he has never attempted this before.  You have been warned.

I have children of my own, or at least hope to one day.  What  can I do to ensure that my children are as awesome and hilarious as yours?  – ENJOYS REARING INTERESTING CHILDREN

If you are a longtime reader of this column then you should have plenty of great parenting advice to get you started.  Of course there are the baby traps, the healthy eating, and the cursing, but don’t forget about laughing when they get hurt and encouraging them to shout at random ladies while you are out.  Of course even with all of these lab-tested techniques, it will still be impossible for you to get children quite as awesome as mine without that good ol’ Tenor Dad DNA.  So what I guess you are really asking is if I will come and sire your children.  And the answer to that is, hold on, let me check….sorry, no.  – TENOR DAD

I have stumbled onto your column through some weird internet search that I did, and I want to tell you that you are not funny at all and are a terrible parent and if I knew where your house was, I would come over and punch you in the face, or at the very least report you to the police for extreme weirdness.   – TOTAL JERK

This is why I do not put my address online.   Face secured!  – TENOR DAD

This is your mother.  Are you coming over this weekend?  What time?  Can you pick up some almond bark from Costco?  It’s really good, but since I don’t have a membership I can’t get any.  Also, call your sister.  Girl scout cookies are in.  Love, Mom

Ummmm, this is not really the appropriate forum for this conversation.  Can you please just text me or call me or something.  Stop writing to my advice column.  Love, TENOR DAD

I can’t find my phone, that’s why I was writing to your column.  Do you happen to know where my phone is?  I put it in a “safe place” so I wouldn’t lose it again, but now I don’t remember where that is.  Do you think it might be on my dresser?  Anyway, have fun writing your column.  You’re doing a great job!  I love you.  Love, Mom

Cut it out!  I don’t know where your phone is!  I don’t even live near you, how would I…argh!  Nevermind!  Stop writing stuff!  I will e-mail you later!  (I love you too) Love, TENOR DAD

I am a huge fan of your column, and I love your hilarious stories and insightful observations.  I would love to collaborate with you on a project.  Maybe we could turn your family into a comic strip?  Or I could illustrate a children’s book about Ruby and Edward?  Or we could start a singing group of some sort?  A children’s band?  An a cappella group?  Basically just whatever.  Let do something fun and awesome!  – LOVES SINGING DADS

That sounds awesome.  I totally want to do that.  Thanks for writing.  Sorry I haven’t gotten back to you sooner, but I have two small children and for some reason that seems to eat up most of my time.  Just send me your info and we will make it happen!  For real.  I just need to put some clothes on my son real quick.  Hold on.  Where did he go?  ……..  – TENOR DAD

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