I have a new bed,
it’s incredibly large.
Truly the size for a king.
My wife really hates it.
She’s visibly angry,
but sadly I can’t do a thing.
The old bed was squishy
and lumpy and stupid
and each day I woke with back pain.
I need something firmer
to hold my big self up
without creaking low with the strain.
Okay, yeah I get it,
our bedroom is tiny.
The bed doesn’t technically fit.
We had to, like, squoosh it
and bend it and tilt it,
and move stuff to make room for it.
We have a split box spring,
one king size, one queen size,
with mattress o’erhanging the heater.
The dresser’s all pressed up
against it and in it.
We have no solution that’s neater.
So there is my bed,
hanging off its box spring
to reduce its footprint on the floor.
We tried to just place it
the regular way,
but then couldn’t open the door.
It’s too late to fix it,
the old bed is gone now.
There’s no turning back from this path.
We can’t get a refund,
we got it for free!
Yeah, that’s right free bed! You do the math!
It came from my sister,
who got her own new bed,
so I see no reason to grouch.
One day my wife will just
love it, I know it.
But till then, I’ll be on the couch.
So I have no idea why I wrote this post in verse, rather than in prose as I normally do. Just felt like it I guess. I would also like to let you know that I am not actually sleeping on the couch, but I just thought it would be funny to end the poem about my new bed with me not being able to sleep in it. But all the parts about it not fitting in my room, and my wife not being thrilled about that, are true. Also, I now have to sleep pressed up against the wall, whereas I previously enjoyed sticking my leg out of the bed from time to time, so that is an adjustment, but overall I like it. Time will tell if it is better for my back.
Oh my