The most ridiculous thing I have ever purchased? You know, to be honest if you had asked me a week ago I would have had a different answer. Last week I would have said the dragon hat I bought in Spain. It was the last day of the trip and I was wandering around Barcelona late at night with some friends. I had 2000 pesetas in my pocket and this was going to be my last chance to spend them. As the night wore on I couldn’t find anything for that price or lower that I was interested in. And then we found the guy with the cart.
There, hanging from the side of his portable store, was a hat. Presumably it was for some local sports team, but it was long, like most of the way down my back long, with big spikes running the length of the headwear. It was ridiculous. And it was 2000 pesetas.
“2000 pesetas?!” I cried out in joy, “I’ll take it!” And so I wore my dragon hat proudly, pleased that I had spent all of my money and that I now looked absurd. But I have to say, it is no longer the most ridiculous item I have ever purchased.
“Do we need a tent?” I asked my wife, as the camping trip she had set up was soon to be upon us. No, we were staying in a lean-to, and we didn’t need a tent. But we did need sleeping bags. Normally we borrow all of our camping gear from my mother, but as she was out of town camping that didn’t seem like a high probability this time. The kids had sleeping bags of their own, but my wife and I suddenly needed some too, so it was off to the sleeping bag store for emergency supplies.
There was not a huge selection in the sleeping bag section of the camping store, and I had made up my mind to purchase the cheapest bags they had. After all, we were not winter campers. We did not need protection from sub=freezing weather. All we really needed was to feel covered up. I was not going to spend $200 each on something we would rarely use. I quickly found the cheapest one on the rack and pulled it down. Really? This was a sleeping bag? I hung it back up. No. I couldn’t. Could I? Actually, at this point maybe I had to. It was too ridiculous to pass up!
This sleeping bag was not shaped like a giant burrito. This sleeping bag had arms and legs. And as a licensed Marvel product, it also happened to have repulsor hands and an arc reactor. Yes, this sleeping bad was shaped like Iron Man. And it was the cheapest sleeping bag there. And I bought it. One of it. For my wife I purchased a normal, bag-shaped sleeping bag, even though it was $10 more. I think this was a good decision.
The biggest question I had, obviously, was whether or not I would truly feel “tucked in” if I was wearing my bed. Would a suit made of covers really feel like covers? Or would it feel like a snowsuit? There was only one way to find out. As we settled in for the night I slipped into my superhero sleeping suit bag, ready for the grand experiment. Was this worth saving the ten bucks? And I have to say, it was odd. But not terrible. More terrible was the hard floor of the lean-to, which kept me waking up all night in horrible discomfort. When I was a kid I had no problem sleeping on boards. Apparently this is no longer the case. Next time I bring the air mattress.
But as to the actual question, I think the arms were the strangest part. The legs were okay; they were billowy enough to let me feel like I was in a normal sleeping bag. The arms were more restrictive. In the middle of the night I slipped my arms out of the sleeves and tried to get more comfortable that way, but what happened was that the dog, who was very nervous and on high alert the entire night, laid down on one of those flappy red arms, and then when I tried to roll over later I was unable to move and got all tangled up. I would not recommend this sleeping bag for evenings when you have a neurotic dog attempting to make her way into it. But otherwise it worked just fine.
The best part of the item is that in the morning, all you have to do is unzip the feet, take them off, put your shoes on, and you can walk around in your sleeping bag. You are up, but you are still in bed! It is the perfect item for a non-morning person like me. Sure, I’m up! Let me just lie down here on the table for a few minutes. Yeah, I’m dressed, see? I’m dressed as a Mitch Hedberg joke.
So there you have it. The most ridiculous item I have ever purchased. At least in my opinion. Some might say the hat. Others might even argue the gummy worms. I know of at least one person who would say the Heelys. But for me, I think this wins. And I’m going to use it for a long time.