New Heights of Naughtiness and Destruction

The first thing that my two-year-old son Edward did yesterday was to make a decision.  There’s no way he could have been so naughty and so destructive just by chance.  No, he had to have been working hard at it intentionally.  As soon as his sister left for school he immediately went upstairs into her closet, where he knows he is not supposed to be, so he could start messing with her stuff.  When I told him in no uncertain terms that he ought to get out of there, he slammed the door as hard as he could.  Unfortunately this caused her oversized candy necklace that she had gotten as a treat this past weekend to swing up from the door knob on which it was hanging, get caught in the full force of the slam, and shatter into a million tiny pieces of candy.  Luckily the necklace was so big that there was still plenty left and I don’t think she will notice.  I did have to clean up the candy off of the floor though, and Edward was furious that I would not let him eat any of the spoils of war.

After that he was forced downstairs to wait for his developmental educator to arrive, but the guy never showed up.  This left a hole in my morning plan, which I filled with letting Edward watch “Cars 2,” thinking that would distract him for a while so I could do other things.  I guess he got thirsty though, because he went into the fridge, got out the apple juice, got a cup, put it on an end table in the living room, unscrewed the cap to the juice, and tipped the whole thing upside down, pouring juice all over the table and the carpet.  I yelled for Edward to bring me a towel, so he ran and got one as I tried to stem the tide of 100% juice that was threatening to engulf my living room.

As I mopped up the juice with my personal bathroom towel (I guess that’s the one he found first), I told Edward to get his shoes on, because now we had to go to the store to get more juice.  He did not want to get his shoes on, but I eventually forced some boots onto his feet and we made it to the grocery store.  I had a bunch of shopping to do actually, and as we waited at the deli counter for some cheese, Edward decided to give the lady behind the counter the stink eye.  This prompted the woman to actually feel bad for the little monster, so she gave him some free cheese.  He ate it, but continued to glare menacingly at her, so she called her co-workers over, and suddenly there was a gaggle of deli ladies all making a fuss over Edward and cackling at the “evil eye” that he was giving them.  They gave him some bologna, which finally got him to stop glaring, and we were able to continue shopping in peace.

At least it should have been peaceful.  The problem was, Edward wanted to push the cart and I wouldn’t let him.  It was one of those carts with a car attached to the front for kids to ride in, and it was pretty hard to steer.  I let him push it for about a second, until he almost ran into some people, but then I made him ride in the front car, which he was not happy about and it caused him to glare at some nice ladies at the deli.  Anyway, as I was distracted by some tomatoes that I was picking out, he grabbed the cart anyway and drove as fast as he could, directly into a display of Jell-O pudding, causing hundreds of boxes of pudding to fly all over the produce area.  Edward thought this was hilarious and dove right into the pile, tossing boxes of pudding around like they were autumn leaves.  I tried to fix the display and put the pudding back, but someone from the store came over and suggested that perhaps they could fix it themselves and I could just go away.

It was lunch time anyway, so we paid for our food and went home.  I made Edward’s lunch and sat him at the table, warning him not to play with his cars while he was eating.  We have a “no toys at the table” rule that he generally ignores.  And of course, he drove a car into his plate, knocking the whole thing onto the floor.  Apple slices, potato chips, peanut butter, all now spread across the kitchen floor, and me reaching the limits of my patience for the day.  Perhaps I spoke a little too sharply to him, because he then yelled, grabbed an even bigger car, and threw it onto the ground, hitting the plate which shattered into a million pieces.

“You get down right now and you go in the other room and you stay there for a long, long time if you know what’s good for you!” I shouted.  Or something to that effect.  He left, and I got out a broom and started sweeping up the food and the pieces of plate that now decorated my floor.  As I was doing this, Edward came back into the kitchen saying “Uh oh” over and over again, so I looked up to find him standing there, his hands full of poop.  Why he was holding poop I do not know, but he had gotten it all over himself and his shirt and pants were nasty.

“Are you freaking kidding me?!” I yelled, to no one in particular, as I put down my broom, grabbed my son, and threw him into the sink.  I got the clothes off of him, washed him all over and told him to go upstairs to find a diaper and some new clothes.  I brought his old, soiled clothes over to the laundry basket, which is when I heard him upstairs saying “Uh oh, Daddy.  Your bed!  Your bed!  Dirty!”

I ran upstairs, praying that his poop dalliance had not included a romp in my bed, and when I got to my doorway and looked in, I saw that one of the cats had been violently ill, all over my bed.  It was at this point that I just started screaming angrily at the top of my lungs.  Edward looked over at me in a very concerned manner, and I just kept screaming and then ran into another room so I would not have to look at the mess anymore.

This is but a sample of what happened to Edward and me yesterday.  He also peed through some underwear all over the stairs, ran forehead first into a giant metal bulletin board and knocked himself over, and tried to smack some other kids who were playing outside.  It was not a good day for me.  Sure, as a parent I expect many of those things to happen at some point, and I know that every day will have its own unique challenges.  But for all that crap to happen on the same day!?  That’s pushing it, universe.  That’s pushing it.