One Armed Tire Changing and Other Feats of Insanity

Just so you know, my arm still hurts from falling off the stage.  I still can’t lift anything heavy, like my water bottle, and I still don’t have a full range of motion in the shoulder.  I’m not trying to whine, I just want you to understand my horror when I was driving down the interstate and the sidewall blew out of my tire.

Of course it was on the driver’s side, putting me an inch away from 75-mph-driving 18-wheelers as I tried to change this thing.  And of course I was driving the boatmobile, which has a very interesting feature in that the trunk does not stay open when you open it.  You have to manually hold it up while you get whatever you want out of it, and if you don’t, it will try and kill you.  One time, after an opera rehearsal, the car tried to kill my friend Hurt Koffman by chomping him in the head.  He had forgotten that the trunk didn’t stay open, and my shouted warning was too late.  By the time I got to him the blood was running down his face from the top of his head like we were in a horror movie.  Luckily he survived, and the car lived to chomp another day.

Anyway, the point of all this is that I was now standing on the side of a busy highway with one functional arm, trying to get a spare tire out of my trunk, which I managed to do by painfully balancing the pointy underbelly of the trunk on my head and yanking the tire and jack out with my one good arm.  The next step, as you may or may not know, is to actually jack the car up, which again would have been easier with two arms.  The other issue here was that the jack was somehow very reluctant to stay up, and after every turn it would settle back down about half a turn, which made me very nervous.  The last thing I needed was for the jack to unwind while I was under the car trying to change a tire.

I did manage to get the car to stay in the air long enough to get the tire off.  I did this by “loosening the lug nuts,” which is a technical way of saying that I attached the jack arm to the tire and jumped up and down on it until the the little screwy things came off.  Once the tire was off, I had to put on the “donut” which did not look all that inflated either, but at least it didn’t have a hole in the sidewall.  And I did all of this using only my right arm.  Aren’t you impressed?

I then put my hazard lights on and drove slowly down the highway, annoying all the other fast drivers, until I came to the next exit, at which point I drove to Starbucks, which is where I am now.  I suppose I should go get another tire at a tire place, but tire places do not have Strawberry Creme Frappuccinos and Cake Pops, so that can wait.  Even superheroes like myself need a break sometimes.  Besides, my arm hurts.

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Posted in Car, Changing a Tire.

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