My friends, I am here today to talk to you about pants.  Not about Ruby’s favorite song, but about my personal pants that I am currently wearing.  And not just the pants that I am currently wearing, but in fact my whole pants collection in it’s entirety.  I am talking about all of my pants.  And believe me when I tell you this: they are not good.

I need some new pants.  There are many reasons for this, which I will now try to explain.

1) My pants suck.  By that, I mean that they are not fashionable.  I know this because everyone in New York is very fashionable, and, recently, I was approached by an elderly sex fiend of some sort who assured me that I looked like I was from out of town and therefore was a desirable mate.  Why did I look like I was from out of town?  Probably my fashion-backward pants.  Apparently here in the big city, Costco is not a valid designer.

2) My pants suck.  By that, I mean that they are old and ripped.  Or new and ripped.  They are all different, excepting for the fact that they are ripped.  The bottoms of my pant legs invariably slouch down underneath my shoes when I am walking, and they get a little torn up down there.  The 32s are too short, the 34s are too long, and they don’t sell 33s at Costco.  And the pants that aren’t ripped, are stained and ripped.

3) My pants suck.  By that, I mean that they do not fit.  All of my pants either fall off of me (thanks to all the walking I have been doing) or cut off the circulation to my torso.  This is not entirely the fault of my pants though, as my stomach sticks out a good three feet farther than my waist.  The only pants that will ever stay up have elastic waistbands, so I hope those make a big comeback in Paris soon.

4) My pants are all wet.  By that, I mean that it rains every day here and there are lots of puddles and, as I mentioned before, my pants like to drag on the ground when I walk.  When the ground is wet, my pants get wet.  Wet pants are not comfortable.  Why are babies always crying?  Because they are hungry.  And eating makes them pee and gives them wet pants, which many babies have told me are not comfortable, and babies don’t know how to lie yet, so you know it’s true.

So I am in the market for some new pants.  Some fashion-forward New York City pants.  Luckily, I think I found a place.  Right in Manhattan!

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  1. Do what I do… wait for a super-duper sale at Jos. A. Bank or Men’s Wearhouse or the Brooks Brothers outlet and get yourself some good pantaloons. Buy the 34s and take them to your friendly local dry cleaner to be tailored. Step 3: Profit.

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