Yesterday my six year old and I were having a conversation about what time Santa would be getting home after doing all of his Christmas deliveries. Then this other conversation happened.
Me: “Well, I’m sure Santa was very happy to get back to his house.”
Ruby: “Daddy! Santa doesn’t live in a HOUSE!”
Me: “He doesn’t?”
Ruby: “No!”
Me: “Well, where does he live then?”
Ruby: “In his workshop.”
Me: “He lives in his workshop?”
Ruby: “Yes.”
Me: “So, like, in an apartment above the workshop? Or does he sleep on the work benches after the elves go home?”
Ruby: “The elves do not go home.”
Me: “Huh. But, does he have his own room at least?”
Ruby: “No.”
Me: “So he just sleeps on the floor all year?”
Ruby: “Well, he lives in a shed that is connected to the workshop.”
Me: “Santa lives in a shed?!”
Ruby: “Yes.”
Me: “How big is this shed?”
Ruby: “About the size of our bathroom.”
Editor’s Note: Our bathroom is remarkably tiny.
Me: “What?! Does he have a kitchen or a bathroom or anything?”
Ruby: “No, he just uses the bathroom in the workshop.”
Me: “Does the workshop have a kitchen too?”
Ruby: “When Santa gets hungry, he pushes a button in the shed and the elves give him food. There is a dessert button and a healthy food button. He likes the dessert button.”
Me: “So he never gets to decide what to eat? Does he get the same thing every time?”
Ruby: “Well, there is a breakfast button, a lunch button, and a dinner button, and when he pushes them a list of choices drops down and he tells the elves what he wants.”
Me: “Well, that’s a little better. It’s like room service I guess.”
Ruby: “No, it’s like a restaurant!”
Me: “Oh, sorry. Wait, if his shed is the size of our bathroom, can he even fit a bed in there?”
Ruby: “Yes, on the ceiling.”
Me: “On the ceiling?”
Ruby: “Yes. And it is upside down. Rudolph flies him up there every night?”
Me: “So Santa sleeps upside down, hanging from the ceiling? Like a bat?!”
Ruby: “NO! He sleeps in his bed!”
Me: “And how would you even fit a reindeer in there if the shed is so small?”
Ruby: “Rudolph is tiny.”
Me: “Oh. So, does the bathroom in the workshop have a shower?”
Ruby: “No.”
Me: “Then how does Santa get clean?”
Ruby: “He just goes swimming outside.”
Me: “At the NORTH POLE?!”
Ruby: “Yes.”
Me: “So you’re saying that Santa lives in a tiny shed and never showers and pushes a button when he wants food, and sleeps on the ceiling? Where did you hear this? Are you making this up?”
Ruby: “Daddy, think about it. It just makes sense.”
Touché.