I need to fix my life somehow. I know this because there must be something seriously wrong with it when I start being jealous of sick people. My wife woke up this morning with something horrible. Food poisoning? Stomach Flu? Unclear. So I got myself going a little early in order to get two kids off to school. I packed the lunches and sorted the backpacks. I barked the orders and forced the marches. The kids made it off to their days, and when it was all done I got ready to go to my 9:15 meeting.
As I was heading out, I saw my poor wife, still lying in bed and feeling miserable, and I thought to myself, “Wow. I wish I was violently ill, because I could really use a day to recover in bed.” This thought was a clear indicator to me that I have somehow gone off the rails with regards to my life. I should take a break. I should slow down. I should take a nap. I should, I don’t know, do something to alleviate this feeling that the best thing that could happen to me this week would be a nasty virus.
But I can’t slow down! Not even when I have nothing to do! I am not a “slow down” type of person. I can’t nap. I can’t sit and do nothing. I have to be going. I have to be moving. I have to be doing. So regardless of the fact that I had concerts, recitals, rehearsals, services, hospital visits, tests, appointments, exams, and other parenting duties as assigned last week, I would be tired anyway. A clear schedule would not give me the peace I need, because my inability to be at peace is not dependent on my level of activity.
This is not good. I don’t know what to do about this. How can one relax when one’s brain is always buzzing around at a mile a minute, and one has several things one should be doing at any given moment? How can one take time for oneself to rest, rather than take time for oneself to do more projects? How can one keep oneself from getting sick, when it suddenly seems like the only option? I have no answers. But now that I’m out of my meeting, I’m going to go home and check on my wife. Plus, my son’s bus will be dropping him off in half an hour anyway. I don’t have time to think about this.