Stocking Up For The Rapture

Perhaps you are not aware of this, but the world is ending on Saturday. Well, I guess it’s not ending until October, but the chosen ones are getting spirited off to heaven on Saturday, according to some billboards I saw in Florida. Side Note: Billboards are illegal in Vermont; come visit!

Anyway, my first thought was, “Well, I’m a Christian, so I guess I’ll get raptured.” But then I remembered that according to some Christians, I am not a good enough Christian. For instance, I don’t hate gay people, nor do I think people should be stoned like it says in the Bible (unless they are in a Kevin Smith movie, but that’s a different kind of stoning…). I mean, I was baptized, I go to church (most of the time), and I try to follow the teachings of Jesus in my every day life, but maybe that’s not enough. Maybe I will not get sucked up into the sky on Saturday.

Now, I certainly don’t mean to be blasphemous (I don’t want to hurt my Rapture chances this weekend), but if I DO get left behind, I figure I’ll need some supplies on hand. You know when suddenly they announce a storm is coming, and then you run to the store to get milk and duct tape, but the shelves are bare, because everybody else had the same idea as you, only ten minutes earlier? It’s going to be like that. So if you feel there is even a small chance that large numbers of people will be disappearing on Saturday, and that you may not be one of them, then here are some things you might want to pick up now:

1) Milk – You can never have too much milk.
2) Bread – See: Milk
3) Duct Tape – This has a variety of apocalyptic uses, such as fixing your car, or tying up looters.
4) Wooden Stakes – It’s a safe bet that most of the priests are going to go, so there will be nobody left to stop the vampires except for you.
5) Bible – If you don’t believe now, and then the Rapture happens, you’re going to want to convert.
6) Large Dog – Just fur protection
7) Toilet Paper – You do NOT want to run out of this during Armageddon.
8) Wagner’s Ring Cycle – To set the mood
9) Batteries – Trust me
10) Guns – As many as possible, and lots of different kinds. You can hunt food with them, barter them for stuff, and defend yourself from looters and werewolves!
11) Silver Bullets

Well, I hope this helped you to prepare for the weekend. Nevermind that The Rapture is just one guy’s interpretation of the Bible and wasn’t even thought of until the 18th century or so. And never mind that the Bible specifically states that no one can ever know the day or time of this sort of thing. Just go out and have fun, and stay off the roads, just in case…