Stop Eating Balloons

Look Edward, I know you can’t read this yet, or even technically speak English, but I am begging you, stop trying to eat balloons.  Balloons are not food.  Perhaps you have noticed their tendency to violently explode into your face when you bite into them.  Although if you have, in fact, noticed this, it has not seemed to deter you.  Every time we get a balloon in the house, you immediately try to eat it.

I assure you, I am not just being a jerk for no reason.  I am saving that for when you are a teenager.  No, there is a good reason for my reluctance to let you chow down on your favorite floating snack.  You see, when you bite them, and they invariably pop, they become what we adults like to call a “choking hazard.”  This means that you will most likely inhale the wide swatch of rubber into your throat and, as a result, die of not breathing.  We do not want this to happen.  So stop eating balloons.

And while we’re on the subject, please don’t eat any people either.  Your sister does not appreciate being bitten into.  We try and tell her that you are only a little baby and don’t know any better, but it does not help your case when you break into an evil laugh every time you do it.  People are going to start to think you are biting them on purpose.  I know you don’t like being punished, but I’m sorry, no more True Blood for you.

Here’s another list of things in this house that don’t like to be bitten: Daddy, Mommy, the cats.  I know that the cats look kind of like food, but they are not food.  If you are wondering why they run from you in terror every time you get near them, it is because they know you are going to bite them.  This is also why I sometimes run away from you as well.

So just to be perfectly clear, the only time you should really be sinking your new found teeth into anything is when you are strapped into your booster seat at the table.  And that hand that feeds you?  Don’t bite it.  Also, yes, Ruby is still mad that you ate her balloon, but she will get over it.  Just control yourself in the future.  Thanks.