Big Cities are very boring places. There is never anything going on, nowhere to go, and nothing to do. Luckily, I have some tips for entertaining yourself in the vast metropolitan wasteland. Today’s fun activity: Subway Surfing. If you are in D.C. this is called Metro Surfing, and if you are in Boston it is called T Surfing, and if you are on a beach in California or Hawaii, then screw you jerk! Why don’t you get a job?
One important tip to remember about public transportation is that, if you cannot spot the crazy person on the train/bus, then it is probably you. In fact, you should make sure it’s you, because other people leave crazy people alone. Nobody mugs crazy people. Who knows what they might do? They might bite your ear off or something. So it is important to establish yourself as the crazy person right away, before someone else gets that chance and starts yelling obscenities, or trying to grope the commuter women. The best way to do this is Subway Surfing.
I started Subway Surfing in D.C. (or Metro Surfing, really) many years ago as a fun way to pass the time on those long train rides to work. It’s good exercise and can help improve your balance! What you do, is ride the train standing up, without holding on to anything. Sounds easy? Well, sometimes it is, like when the train is not moving. At other times, however, Subway Surfing can be very difficult.
As in regular surfing, the best position to stand in is a slightly crouched position, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. You should extend your arms for balance, and I have found it is helpful to have your feet placed diagonally in respect to your torso, so as to better weather the side to side, as well as the back and forth motions of the waves, or “train.”
To properly convey to the other passengers that you are not there for chit chat or being beaten up, but rather for participating in an important sporting event, you should always dress in proper attire. First, you need your loud Hawaiian shorts, or “Jams.” Second, you will require fun waterproof beach shoes, or “Jellies.” And of course, you will need a skin tight wetsuit, or “Preserves.” Make sure to wear lots of sunscreen!
For the beginner, I would recommend starting at non-peak hours of train activity. 2 am is a wonderful time to begin your training. However, as you progress, and you very rarely fly into the wall of the train as it slams its brakes on arbitrarily, you can move to commuter trains during rush hour. The challenge here is the lack of space. But don’t worry! If you lose your balance, there will be plenty of other soft passengers to keep you upright, should you wind up careening around the subway car like a pinball.
I hope you will all give this exciting sport a try, and that it will alleviate any of the boredom you face, having to live in a big city with tons of people doing fun things that you are not invited to. And if anyone is interested in Team Subway Surfing, just drop me a line.