The 5 Stages of Your Kid Refusing to Go to School


Ummmm, no you did not just say to your mother that you are not going to school. No. That did not happen. Just admit that it never happened and we’re good. We can all go about our days like normal people who are not about to have a battle. No battles today, okay? We’re all way too tired for that. We are not going to have a battle. Here, drink your juice, eat your banana, get your shoes on. Now.


DID YOU HEAR ME?! I SAID “GET YOUR SHOES ON!” I am not in the MOOD for this right now, so GET your FU…dging SHOES on this INSTANT! Do NOT make me come OVER there! We are going to be LATE…for SCHOOL…so MOVE IT! Why are you LAUGHING?! This is not FUNNY! Do you need a TIME OUT?! Well I do. I can’t even talk to you right now or else regrettable things will happen. If you want to survive the morning, those shoes had better be on when I get back in here.


Okay, look, if you go to school today, we can do something really fun this afternoon. Whatever you want! Doesn’t that sound fun? We can have candy for dinner and play video games until midnight and never have bedtimes again! All I need you to do is to just put your shoes on! Is that so hard? How about you just go to school, and I will go to work, and then we can go out to dinner tonight to someplace horrible that you love and I hate, like Burger King. Burger King! They have a playground! Do you want to play on the Burger King playground later? Then how about you just put your shoes on, get your backpack, and meet me at the door? No? No?



Why won’t you just go to school? *sniff* Seriously man, why? Why can’t I even get my child to school? Why am I a complete failure as a parent? *sniffle* Why don’t you listen to anything I say? Why did I even have children? Why am I even in this life at all? Everything is terrible. School doesn’t even matter. Nothing I do matters. Nothing I say matters. No one listens. No one cares. I’d go back to bed if I didn’t think you wouldn’t just follow me up there, jump on me, and laugh. Existence is pointless. Maybe the world will end today and none of this will matter. I hope so.


You’re really refusing to go to school, huh? You are going to literally make me pick you up and forcibly carry you all the way to school, aren’t you? Well, all right. You brought this on yourself. I promise you that neither one of us will enjoy this. I’ve got your shoes right here. You can put them on when we get there. Brace yourself. It’s time to go. Someday you’ll thank me for this. Here we go.

Posted in Bad Parenting, Humor, Parenting, School, Shoes.

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