Veggie Burgers

I do not understand the concept of veggie burgers.  Why?  Why do they exist?  There is no reason!  Veggie burgers are like faux fur coats.  They are like saying “I am against wearing the hides of dead animals, but I want you to think that I am totally for it!”

Now, I am spending the summer grilling for an awesome weekly farm event, and we sell a fair number of veggie burgers (and I am not trying to cut down on this business), as do many places around town.  Veggie burgers are popular-ish.  But someone asked me recently how they tasted, and all I could say was, “Sorry, I eat meat.”  Because if you eat meat, why on Earth would you eat a veggie burger?

The veggie burgers are made of black beans, and I happen to love black beans, but hey, if I want some black beans I will eat a bowl of black beans, or I will add them to some food that they will enhance.  And if I want a burger I eat a burger.  You know what would be good?  Black beans on a burger!  That sounds amazing!  But a burger made of black beans without the meat?  Why!?

“Hey everybody, I am a vegetarian and I do not want meat to enter my digestive system, however I do  want it to look like I am eating meat, and I want to feel like I am eating meat, and I sometimes want it to taste like I am eating meat, I just don’t want to eat the meat!”  Just eat the meat if you want it that bad!  And if you don’t want the meat, have a bowl of beans, because they are delicious.

I don’t want to single out veggie burgers here, because I have the same problem with turkey burgers.  I know they are “better” for you, but if you want to eat something that is better for you, don’t eat a burger!  Those ground up turkey things should be for people who have no other choice.  Nobody says “I have no dietary restrictions, but I will choose the dairy-free ice cream because it tastes better.”  You choose the gluten-free pizza crust because you cannot eat gluten, not because it is in anyway superior to the normal crust.  And I am glad that these things exist, because people who wouldn’t otherwise get to have these foods at least get to approximate the experience, but they are limited imitations of the real foods!

So in that spirit, I suppose that if you cannot, for health reasons, eat a cheeseburger and cheeseburgers are your favorite food, it would be okay with me for you to eat a veggie burger.  But I get the feeling that most of the veggie burgers sold these days are not for allergenic reasons.  Look, I have no problem with vegetarians and vegans (well, not all of them anyway), but if you want to give up meat, give up meat.  Stop pretending that you can eat burgers.  You made a choice.  Stand up proud and say “I will not even pretend to eat meat!”  Because even simulating the meat-eating process shows your support for a corrupt industry with inhumane animal treatment practices.  So take a stand, and remember: veggie burgers are the coward’s way out.