What I Like, According to the Mall

As some of you may have noticed, yesterday was Father’s Day.  This day was set aside in the earlier part of the twentieth century as a day when all U.S. citizens would change their Facebook profile pictures to photos of their fathers, and it has become quite successful.  Unfortunately it always falls on the same week as my wife’s birthday, which makes shopping quite difficult.

I drove over to the mall on Saturday, hoping to get my wife some nice birthday presents, but was stymied at every turn by large Father’s Day displays in each store.  All of the things that my wife might normally enjoy had apparently been shoved into the back closet in order to make room for the things that Dads like.  Of course, I am a Dad, so one might have thought that this would be pleasant for me, seeing large piles of stuff that I like everywhere I turned.  Sadly, this was not the case.  Somehow I seem to have not gotten the message in the “what I am supposed to like” department.

As I passed through each store in the mall, it became very clear what kinds of things Dads were supposed to like, because each store had essentially the same display with minor variations.  So here is what I have been told that I, as a Dad, should like.  Golf.  Grilling meat.  Sports.  Ugly clothes.  Cards with attractive young women on them, mocking me for being old, fat, and unattractive.

This was not good.  Suddenly I felt very inDadequate.  I did not like any of those things.  If anybody had gone to the mall to purchase a Father’s Day present for me, they would have inevitably purchased something that I had no interest in.  I don’t like golf!  Well, unless it includes a windmill and/or a pirate ship.  I certainly am not interested in golf balls that say “Dad’ on them.  Or golf tees.  Or weird electronic golf gadgets that serve a function unbeknownst to me.  I don’t really like any sport all that much, actually.  I mean, I enjoy a good baseball game sure, but I don’t want any team jerseys, or hats, or NFL belt buckles.  This was a problem.  Now I know how my daughter feels when she tries to get the superhero toy at McDonald’s and they give her the Barbie.

I do like to grill meat, I suppose, but I don’t really need any grilling tools.  I already own a perfectly fine set.  And I don’t really need any more ugly clothes either.  I have plenty of those too, thank you very much.  So what did I want for Father’s Day?  And more importantly, what was I going to get my wife?  Even the women’s clothing stores had displays out promising great deals that Dad’s would love.  Where were the great deals that wives would love for their birthdays?!

I did get my wife a few things, but I need to go back out again today to finish shopping for her birthday tomorrow.  Hopefully by now all of the Father’s Day displays will be packed up and gone, and I can get back to the business of being told by the mall what women want again.  Unless…  oh no…  all of the Father’s Day stuff is half off?!  Please, no!

Unless my wife wants a new golf ball for her birthday…

Posted in Birthdays, Father's Day, Shopping.

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