A Few Easy Ways to Ensure the Survival of Humanity

Today is Earth Day.  It is a day that we celebrate the planet that we live on.  And do you know why we celebrate it?  Is it because it is pretty?  NO!  WE NEED IT TO LIVE ON!  Perhaps some of you have lost sight of the fact that if we kill most of the plants and animals, melt the ice caps, raise the sea levels, and otherwise do what we want, it is not just a cosmetic problem.  It could mean the end of all human life on Earth as we know it.  Now, I realize that this is a bit drastic.  It is possible that up to 1% of humanity could survive, but look at the 99 people around you.  Are any of them richer or stronger than you?  If so, you are not in that 1%.  So how do you avoid the deaths of you and your children and your children’s children?  Easy.

1) Stop Buying Things
Seriously, how much stuff do you need?  Look around you!  You have everything you could possibly desire, and you have way more than most other people on the planet.  Even if you are poor, you are kind of rich.  Do not buy things.  Food is okay.  If something wears out, you can replace it.  Otherwise, cut it out.

2) Stop Wasting Things
You know how when you go up to the buffet, and everything looks so good, so you take a big scoop of everything, and then you go back to the table with twice as much as you could possibly eat in one sitting?  That is basically the American mentality of consumption.  Better get that just in case.  Be prepared.  How long has that been sitting there unused?  Why did I ever buy that?  I am out of storage.  Should I throw that thing away?  Time to buy a bigger house.  Now the new house has a hole in it.  Better knock it down and build a better one.

3) Stop Being a Self-Serving Individualistic Jerk
It is not about you.  It is about all of us.  Yes, you are great, and very important, but so am I, and so is everyone else.  You are not entitled to more or better than anyone else.  If everyone who wanted to put in their own pool (ahem) pooled their resources, think of what an awesome public swimming facility could be built!  If we drove fewer cars and took more public transportation, your commutes would be easier, less stressful, shorter, and your overall life would be improved.  Why would you not want this?  I suppose that, with today’s infrastructure, public things are kind of a hassle, but if we all decided to demand better things, we would get them!  When everyone shares, everyone’s life is better.  The end.  So stop thinking about solving your own problems, and start thinking about solving everyone else’s.  We have the time, money, and resources to make this world awesome.  We just need to want it.

4) Get Involved
There are plenty of groups out there working to make things better.  But many of them are filled with weirdos, right?  Of course right.  What they need is a sane and rational voice like yours, to weigh in and contribute.  Imagine if all of us were members of these groups!  What a balanced and powerful difference we could make!  So get educated and get involved!

5) Start a Vigilante Group
Ok, look, if you don’t believe in/don’t care about climate change, chances are you have not even made it this far without clicking away in greedy, capitalistic disgust.  If you are still reading this, it means that you understand that we are all in grave danger, and the people who profit from our destruction, basically the government and big business, are not going to change.  We have to strike now.  Everyone put on a Batman costume and meet me at midnight at the site of every oil well, fracking site, coal mine and offshore platform on Earth.  The only way to stop the madness and save humanity is to cut off the head of the beast.  Bring vacuum cleaners.  If we suck up all of the burnable carbon left on the planet and hide it somewhere, we could just have a fighting chance.  Also, if anyone has a place where we could store it all, message me.  My sister lets me keep stuff in her basement, but I’ve already got a bunch of stuff there and space is limited.

Posted in Climate, Earth Day, Environment, Humor, Rant, Recycling.

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