Oh wife. It is I, husband. Today you take your leave of us, as you travel to far off New Hampshire to finish your master’s degree. We are all so very proud of you, but I hope it is not selfish of me to say that I wish it were not so. Do not confuse my reluctance for a lack of support for your scholastic endeavors, of which I could not be more proud. To take on such a task as this, while also working long hours each day, helping with the duties of hearth and home, and navigating continuing familial health crises, well it is hardly to be believed! But you have pushed through, and you have prevailed! In just one and a half fortnights, you will have accomplished the, if not impossible, very difficult. But on this day, on this very hour of this very morn, I grieve at the temporary loss of you.
‘Tis true that many paternal figures have, in this day and age, been portrayed to the public eye as enactors of buffoonery, but I can assure you that very little shall take place here by way of shenanigans. I am a capable parent, and our children will be well looked after. That being said, I do hope you have left me some form of communication, as my lovesick brain can often lose track of the smallest of details in my deep yearning for your presence. At least both kids are at school today. I did that much.
There are many tasks and responsibilities that ordinarily fall on to your strong, yet delicately feminine, shoulders, and I shall endeavor to fully track and accomplish these important duties in your absence. I am no incompetent lout! I am a modern father, fully versed in the arts of homemaking and child-rearing. But a helpful reminder telegram would not go unappreciated from time to time, as I shall require all of the encouragement I can acquire through these long weeks alone.
So go! Go out into the world and better yourself for the betterment of this family, and know that we will be here when you return, eager for tales of your glory and anxious for your warm embrace. We wish you God’s speed, and our thoughts and prayers are with you! And also, are all the clothes on the bedroom floor by the dresser dirty? Or are some of them clean? Should I just wash everything to be sure? And what happened to the dog’s food bowl? It’s not in her crate. Crap. And do we have any stamps?
No! Never mind all that! Focus on the task at hand, and think of us fondly only in passing! Fare thee well, my sweet wife! Fare thee well! Fare thee well!
(I’ll text you later)