More Baby Names for the Evil or Stupid

A short time ago I wrote a post in which I gave suggestions to evil or stupid people in the area of baby names.  Dear, dear readers, I regret to inform you that I have given you only half of the truth.  It has come to my attention that there are several categories of names that are quite evil or stupid that had simply slipped my mind.  Please accept my sincere apologies, and I hope that with these new ideas, you will be able to scar your child for life the way that you always wanted to.  And if, for some reason, you have named your children these things and are still of the belief that you are neither evil nor stupid, well, I’m just the messenger here.  And I think we all know what NOT to do to messengers, right?  Right….?

If you need a refresher course on the first five ways to poorly name your children they can be found here.

6) Giving Your Child’s Name Random Apostrophes
This is just plain evil.  There are only two reasons that a name needs an apostrophe.  First, it is in place of other letters, as in the popular name “The O’Reilly Factor.”  This is, of course, an abbreviated form of the full name “The Oh, I Guess Nothing Else Is On, I’ll Watch Reilly Factor.”  The other reason is to indicate a glottal stop, as in the popular baby name T’Pau, although this is a very ethnic name, so you probably shouldn’t name your child T’Pau unless you are at least 50% Vulcan.  But even if you do have a name with a legitimate apostrophe, you probably shouldn’t use it.  My wife has an apostrophe in her last name, and she’s pretty much given up on anyone pronouncing it correctly.  And filling out forms and applications for things?  Forget about it!  Rare is the computer program that will take an apostrophe in the name field, so we often just leave it out.  Adding in extra punctuation is just evil.  Some good examples of names of this type are “Sha’niqua,” “Shani’qua,” and “Sha’ni’qua.”

7) Naming Your Children After the Place in Which They Were Conceived
First of all, ew!  No kid wants to think about being conceived.  Most of us go through life hoping that our parents never actually had sex at all and we are either clones or created by the Holy Spirit.  The last thing young “Brooklyn” needs to find out is that they were named after a place that their gross old parents did it.  I get it, some places really are names, so maybe you think you can sneak it through, but don’t!  It will come out eventually, so if you are really set on the name “Virginia,” for freak’s sake, do not have sex in that state!  Other names in this category include “Denver,” “Lincoln,” “Chrysler,” and “Kitchen Table.”


8) Giving Your Child an Ethnic Name With an “American” Spelling
This terrifying trend was only recently brought to my attention.  Look, I know when people were coming though Ellis Island, a lot of names got Americanized because people could not spell or hear correctly, and they were all super racist.  Are you super racist?  Can you spell?  Can you hear correctly?  Then why would you name your daughter Waneeta?  So she will fit in?  Come on now.  There are not a lot of Hoolios running around.  It doesn’t make them fit in, it just makes them even weirder.  If you want your kid to fit in, name them “Bill” or “Samantha.”  There are almost unlimited bad possibilities in this category, some of which are “Paydroe,” Fronswah,” and “Nuh-Click-sow.”

9) Naming Your Child a Phrase or Sentence
People, please be careful with your last names.  Much the way that if one’s last name is “Lincoln,” one should not name their son “Abraham,” if one’s last name is “Dover,” one should not name their son “Ben.”  Yes, it’s funny on The Simpsons, but think about the poor, real-life “Amanda Huggenkiss”s.  Their whole lives are walking punchlines.  I am quite happy with the name “Adam,” but I would be much less happy if my last name were “Upp.”  Think of the children!  And almost making a phrase to be cute is even worse.  If your last name is “Tastic” do not name your daughter “Fran.”  Other merciless names of this kind are “Sandy Beach,” “Billy Clubb,” “Ima Hoar,” “Candy Cain,” and “Walter Nate Universe.”

10) Naming Your Child Something Sexually Explicit
You know, words change meanings over time.  I know this.  You know this.  We both know Dick was once a very popular and socially acceptable boy’s name.  But now it means penis.  As much as you try and tell yourself that it is also a name, I know you are thinking of a penis when you say it.  Somewhere in the back of your mind, you know that “Dick” is not the name of your son, it is the name of what you are for giving your son that name.  Yes, yes, it’s a shame.  Some perfectly good names are ruined now.  But what’s done is done.  And if you come from another culture, but are planning on staying and living in an English speaking area, just do some research.  If I moved to Nepal and found out that “Fred” meant blow job, I would probably not name my son Fred if I planned to raise my son in Nepal.  Therefore, names like Asram, and Shitij might not be the best idea here.  Other names to avoid are “Gaye,” “BJ,” “Hyman,” and “Vas Deferens.”

Hey, that reminds me, we had a substitute teacher when I was growing up named Gaye Butts.  I could not make this up.  And the thing was, it was her MARRIED name.  She took her husband’s last name and became Gaye Butts.  Ladies – I’m all for tradition, but there are times when you should keep your last name.  But that’s a post for another time.

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