The Painful Result of a Lifetime of Manspreading

Today, on International Women’s Day, I have to report to you that I have been going to physical therapy recently. My back problems are, well, back. The chiropractor was not enough. Now I have PT every 2-3 weeks to correct the problems that appear to be stemming from a lifetime of manspreading.

Ladies, you know what I’m talking about, right? Guys walking around sitting like they own the place, spreading those legs wide like you were taught never to do? This is called manspreading, and it is the secret technique we guys use to take up two subway seats, show off our bulging crotches, and injure our future lower backs. We can do it because we don’t wear skirts and thus nobody will ever see our underwear. This is also why we keep our pants buckled high and above the waist at all times. But this manspreading, it’s not good for you. So as a gift to the female gender, let me spend a moment trying to convince the dudes in here to cut it out.

No seriously, they pulled out this giant protractor thingy and started yanking me around, measuring my angles. And guess what? I can rotate my hips and thighs very well…in an outward direction. When, on the other hand, I try to rotate my hips inwardly, the therapist scowls at the protractor, writes something down on her paper with a concerned look, then turns to me, sighs, smiles, and tells me that I could do a little better with my flexibility in that direction.

Now I have to do exercises. EXERCISES! And I have to go and get poked and prodded and pulled and squeezed on a regular basis. Which sounds fun, I know, but it is not. And I wake up in the night with back pain. And I wake up early in the morning with back pain. And I get up from the chair with back pain. And it is partially because my feet are sticking out like a duck, but also because I have spent 30 years only spreading my hips outward. How else was I going to keep two seats on the subway?! But I was wrong.

I was wrong to manspread all over the place, and it has done me physical harm. It can harm you too. I’m not saying it will be easy to give it up cold turkey, but I am advising you that, for each minute you spend manspreading on the couch watching sports, you spend an equal minute scrunched up and rotated inwards. Try to find a balance. And eventually, you may even reach equilibrium, with no rotation in either direction, just perfect posture! I assume. I don’t know, I’m not a physical therapist. I’d ask my therapist, but she is a woman and hopefully not working today. She could use a day off.

Thanks for listening, and I hope all of your buses and train cars are now filled with twice as many seated passengers, all with good posture and perfect health. And if not, well, I guess I’ll see you at physical therapy!

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Posted in Chiropractor, Gender, Health.

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