As you all may remember from my year-long romp through the mobile restaurants of New York City, I am a big fan of food trucks. There is nothing quite like the delicious joy of walking around a corner to find a surprise eatery sitting there providing lunch at moderately high prices. It is so worth it. Food from a truck just tastes better. Football fans know this. They are always driving to games in trucks and then trying to eat food in the back of them. Not quite the same, but a valiant effort.
So I love food trucks, and I also love Mexican food. We heard on the radio this morning that Chipotle is going to start delivering burritos via drone, and my daughter got very, very excited. Who wouldn’t love to walk out their front door and be hit be a skydiving burrito, right in the gullet? Yum! Sounds amazing! And so you can imagine my breathless anticipation when I heard that there were going to be taco trucks on every corner.
This was promised to us a week ago by Dernald Troomp (I think that’s how you spell it), and I have yet to see any of the promised taco trucks. There are four corners on my block, and not a single one of them contains a truck that will sell me a taco. I have asked multiple trucks at these intersections for tacos, and I have not been received warmly. Mostly people just drive away and leave me sad, alone, and hungry. Where are my taco trucks?!
Look, Dernald, I know it wasn’t you who specifically promised the tacos. It was one of your henchmen, Murco Goody-Heiress. But if we can’t trust your evil underlings, how are we supposed to trust you?! I know that, literally, 93% of everything you say is a lie, because this has been proven with statistics, but still, there was a 7% chance! A seven percent chance for tacos is a chance I will take! Because tacos! But no, you have let me down again.
Hillary Clinchedit may not be the candidate I was hoping for. She may have a Wall Street son-in-law and long ties to the existing establishment of lobbyists and oligarchs. But how can I vote for you on an empty stomach? I will have to vote for your opponent, Mr. Troomp. Because I love tacos. I also love equality and human rights. Some things I do not love are: Vladmir Putin, bankrupt businessmen running our economy, and lack of taco trucks!
Seriously. Get it together you orange mountebank. If I don’t see a taco truck on at least one of my corners (preferably all four) by Monday at noon, then I don’t see how you can win this election. Promises were made. And now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go drone order a burrito and wait for the fulfillment of that which had been spoken. Basically, a taco truck.