As if Christmas wasn’t enough for them, the government has come up with a horrifying plan to destroy your birthday and remove any and all fun from what is supposed to be your special day. In many, or most, if not all, states, you will find that, when you wake up on the morning of the anniversary of your personal birth, you will have earned not cake and presents, but a day at the DMV.
The DMV was created by the government to ruin people’s lives and make their days a little worse, and it is the best-run program that our elected officials have ever created. With a 99% success rate, they can take an otherwise fabulous day and turn it into your worst nightmare. You won’t see the military accomplishing anything that efficiently. And in fact, the fewer employees they have working there, the better it all turns out, in terms of frustrating horror! And this is the place that they have decided to send you on your birthday, to renew your driver’s license.
Now, to be honest, birthdays can be hard to ruin. A simple trip to hell the DMV just wasn’t causing as much emotional destruction as they would have liked, so a year or two ago they changed all the rules, in the name of that faceless thief of liberty: “security.” Now, instead of just renewing my license, I must basically completely apply for it again. Renewal? What does that mean? Nothing! You must bring in your passport, your social security card, two pieces of official mail with your address on them, and a vial of blood from the Neverbeast. Why?! Why do I need all of that stuff?!
Look, I used my license to get my passport, and I already brought in my social security card, etc. the last time I was in here. Why do you need it again? Do you think someone is trying to steal my identity? Someone who looks just like me? Because I do have with me, actually, my DRIVER’S LICENSE, which is an official federal ID, and which can totally prove my identity! All I want you to do is to change the date on it! Why is my ID not good enough?! It has my face on it! Do you think some dude who looks just like me found my wallet and decided to renew my license for himself? Is that what the terrorists are doing these days?
All you are doing, Ms. DMV lady, is making the world more dangerous for me. In the past, if somebody wanted to steal my identity, and believe me they all do, they just needed my wallet. Now they need my passport and two pieces of mail from my house? And my face?! Do you want the terrorists to kill me, skin me, and glue my face to their face after breaking into my house to steal my mail and find my passport?! I’d rather they just mug me and take my wallet thank you very much. There is NO security reason I can possibly think of that would require you to need my passport and my social security card again, other than to piss me off and ruin my birthday. Which, as stated above, was your intended goal from the beginning. So congratulations, government. You win again. I was not able to renew my license. And now I have to go skin my neighbor and renew his instead. Thanks a lot.
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