I don’t know how you spent your weekend, but I spend mine driving from Vermont to Florida. The first leg of my journey was a familiar path, from Vermont to the D.C. area, but on Sunday I spent my day in the South.
Now some of you might be saying “Hey Tenor Dad, aren’t you still in the South?” If you are saying this it is because you are from the North, and have never been to the South. Florida is 50% New York and 50% Cuba, and it is certainly not the South. Geographical location has nothing to do with being “South.”
The South goes from about Richmond, VA down to Georgia, and when it gets to Florida it rebounds like a Roomba and heads west until it gets Texish, at which point it turns into the Midwest. I made it across the border into Florida however, as I was not driving a Roomba.
Although I was there for only a short time, I have made a few observations about the South, and they are as follows: People in the South are very good drivers. In the North, the speed limit is set often at a stupidly low number such as 55, or at its very highest, 65. In the South, the speed limit is infinity. The signs do say 70, but that is obviously just a minimum, because I was going upwards of 80 most of the time, and cars were swerving around me like I was stopped at a light. Of course I did see the cops pull a few people over, so they must have been going infinity + 1. Suffice it to say, people in the South get where they are going, and they get there way before I do. I have a lot to learn.
The other thing I learned is that, while in the North we have traffic jams for reasons like construction and accidents, in the South they just put up signs to let people know that there ought to be some bad traffic around if they wouldn’t mind. I was driving though North Carolina, going a healthy 79 mph, when suddenly a sign appeared over the highway that said “Slow Traffic – 10 Miles.” And just like that all the cars stopped and we went about 5-9 mph for 10 miles (yes, I was stuck there for about 90 minutes) and then, when ten miles was up, we all started going fast again. What a great system! No need for any accidents or construction! When you want some bad traffic, just ask! It’s much safer that way.
Now I am in Florida and off to my first rehearsal for Gianni Schicchi. I am out of the South and ready to sing. I just need to put some cream on arm first. What? Oh, right, I forgot to tell you. The third thing I learned is that when you are driving in the South, don’t leave one arm hanging out the window for 14 hours or you might get sunburned…