Look, I get it. Times are tough, and we can’t all afford the nice things that we wish we could afford. You really don’t have the space in your budget to squeeze in that living room Jacuzzi. I have the same problem. But did you know that many of the things you think you “need” in your house can easily be done without if you only have the correct pet? It’s true! A quick look on Craigslist will most likely net you a free pet, which you can then use around the house without the expense of shopping for new appliances. And to help you decide which pet to get, I have created this handy list, in alphabetical order for your pleasure.
Dishwasher – DOG – Why do you need to rinse your plates off? Answer: you don’t! There is a dog waiting under the table who is quite literally begging for the chance to clean those dishes for you! Hooray!
Electric Blanket – DOG or CAT – Cold in the winter? No problem! Simply add one medium-sized furry mammal under your covers and you will be sweating in no time! Children also work well for this job, but eventually they get too large to be of much use.
Garbage Disposal – GOAT – Goats are actually better than a garbage disposal. They will not only eat up the excess food, but also the cans the food came in! A goat is way cheaper than anything at Sears.
Laptop – PARROT – Have a question but no internet? Ask a parrot! They know tons of things, and are willing to tell you. Also, like laptops, they are portable! You don’t even need a bag! They will fit right on your shoulder! You can play games, send messages, and more!
Lawnmower – SHEEP – But you already knew that. Get a sheep and your days of mowing will be no more!
Refrigerator – FISH – Need to keep food cold, but your fridge is broken? Well get a fish tank and throw your food right in! Fish are cold-blooded, which means they actually emit cold particles right into your food (I assume)! Just make sure it is all bagged up tight, so you don’t get any gross fish water in the lasagna!
Sofa – HORSE – No money in the budget for a new couch? Why break the bank? Just get a horse! They will lie right down on your living room floor and are then roughly sofa-sized. The whole family can sit on your new piece of “furniture” and watch TV and feed apples to the couch. Fun for all!
Television – HAMSTER – Are you going to sit around on your horse all day and stare at a box? You sure are! But what if the shows were live? I mean really live! Watch those crazy rodents run around in their wheels, give them some tubes to run through, and sit back and enjoy better programming than you would find on an actual tv!
Vacuum Cleaner – DOG – Spilled some food on the floor? No problem, the dog will eat it right up. Spilled some toys on the floor? The dog will probably eat those too. Little specks of dirt, leaves, or other outside items? Sluuuuurp!
Washing Machine – NARWHAL – Tired of trying to wash your clothes in the river with a rock? Here’s the solution! Simply clip your clothes onto the horn of your pet narwhal and let it swim around for a while. When it returns, your clothes will be totally clean and absolutely not smelling of narwhal!
I hope these tips have been helpful for you. Are there any that I have missed? Please let me know if you have been able to substitute a pet for some other important household item!