All About That Tenor

I have noticed a very disturbing trend in society today.  The glorification of one set of characteristics over another and prejudices built into our very subconscious minds have led to an evil that we must work together to stop.  I am referring, of course, to the bass voice.  Not that the voice in and of itself is evil, but rather the attention that it takes away from the much more exciting tenor voice is something to be concerned about.  You may have heard the current hit song “All About That Bass,” in which the singer disregards the need for treble tones and emphasizes her love of all things bass.  This horrifying sentiment is sadly only one example among many.

Baseball.  Basement.  Base of Operations.  Michael Bay’s continued and unfathomable success.  While not explicitly related to lower-voiced singers, these words in our language all subconsciously turn our minds in a favorable direction when it comes to these musicians.  Where are the tenor words?!  Sure, we get to also mean the general idea of something, but as you can tell from the tenor of this post, it is not enough.  And sometimes we get told to sing tenor twenty feet away, but that’s just mean.  Nobody tells that to basses.

And basses don’t even have to do anything!  All they need to do is stay up all night drinking and smoking and then not warm up in the morning!  When I get up too early, I am also a bass.  To be a tenor takes work!  Why are we not rewarded with songs and games and terrible movies?!  It is an outrage.  And did I mention that there is also an instrument called the bass?  And also a fish?  Yes, I know the fish is pronounced differently, but I am still counting it.

We almost have the Spanish verb tener, or “to have,” but that is in a different language, and even in Spanish a kiss is called a Bass-O.  It’s like those greedy bass singers can’t give us anything!  I mean, look at all of the great opera roles.  Tenors are clearly recognized as the desirable heroes who deserve societal accolades!  Basses are old, dumb, unimportant, or evil.  Except in Russia, but it’s so cold over there that everyone is a bass, including infants and songbirds.

My point is, we need to have more words and phrases and songs associated with how awesome it is to be a tenor.  I think you would all agree that without tenors, the world would be in a much lower and deeper place, so let’s celebrate our high-singing friends with some new linguistic tributes!

1) I recommend that the playground game of tetherball be renamed “Tenorball.”

2) The word tenor will now also be a verb, meaning “to make something awesome.”  As in, “Wow, those nachos really tenored this party!”

3) As we continue to explore the ocean depths and make new discoveries about our planet, the next new fish species to be found should be called a “tenor.”  But it should be pronounced “Tee-Nore.”

4) The basses can keep the bases, but the outfield shall now be called the “tenorfield.”

5) The country of Russia shall be raised by no less than a fourth.

6) Michael Bay shall be prohibited from making any more movies.

I think we can all agree that these slight concessions will create a more harmonic and peaceful world for all of us to live in, and if you don’t agree then I will send a tenor over to your house right now to sing at you until you give in.  That would break anybody.

Posted in Baseball, Humor, Tenor Tuesday, Tenors.

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