Betrayed By My Body

Look body, we had a deal. I leave you alone, and you leave me alone. My soul was never thrilled about being tethered to this mortal plane to begin with, and there is no reason for either of us to make things difficult. And we never seemed to have an issue in the past, so why is it that at my physical today, my doctor has informed me that you are no longer behaving yourself?

Our blood pressure, if not through the roof, is at least clinging to the trellis above the 2nd story bedroom window attempting to gain roof access. Our distant vision seems blurry at best. Our hearing is declining as though it were constantly being exposed to some sort of high pitched, high decibel shriek from only inches away, just because that shriek suddenly no longer likes the hot dogs that it specifically demanded 15 minutes earlier. Body, seriously, this is not cool. You are letting our hair fall out, you are not keeping our gut in check, you are failing to uphold your end of the deal.

And don’t look at me like this is my fault, I gave you everything you ever wanted! You wanted a Coke? I gave you one! You wanted a pint of ice cream for dinner? Fine! I let you! You wanted to sit in front of a computer all day and write blog posts, I did nothing to stop you. In fact, every time I tried to exercise you, you complained violently before, during, and for hours afterward! And now you are going to pretend like I did this? I am a child of God, a being of light and energy at one with the rhythm of the universe! YOU are a mass of fat and meat and sweat and farts, and taking care of the physical realm was your job!

Well, it doesn’t matter anymore whose fault it was, although I think we both know the answer to that question, because fun time is over. I know, it sucks! I hate it too! I don’t want to have to drag you around and shove things into you that you hate when all you want is another bacon cheeseburger! Do you think that is fun for me? It’s not. But you ruined it. You lost your chance. We’re okay for now, but if we don’t lose some weight and get in shape, we are going down a path of self-destruction that is not going to end well. Do you want to be on high-blood pressure medication? Me neither, but that is in our future if you don’t shape up. Do you want to get hearing aids at age 40? Didn’t think so. Do you want to wear gigantic horn-rimmed glasses all the time? Okay, yeah, that does sound kind of awesome looking. We’ll talk about the glasses. But we’re getting off topic! Things have got to change!

As the soul of the operation I suppose I have to take some responsibility for the fact that all of our favorite activities involve no activity at all. Reading. Watching movies. Writing. Video Games. Board Games. Puzzles. Crosswords. Writing snarky things to people on Facebook. Creating music. None of these things raise the old heart rate, do they? I’m sorry. I wish I liked stupid and horrible things like running and sportsing. But I don’t. We will have to compromise and watch Netflix on the elliptical at the gym. That should at least take some of the sting out of it.

Anyway, I’m sorry I yelled at you body. It’s just that we have had many physicals in the past, and never had any issues come up at any of them, so it was a bit of a shock to find out that you had been keeping all of this stuff from me. When were you planning on telling me? During our heart attack that occurred as we drove over the edge of the cliff because we couldn’t hear the warning bells or read the signs? Really. But at least it is all out in the open now. No more secrets, okay? We’re stuck with each other for, well, ever, so we might as well start trying to get along. Jerk.