The last time my extended family got together, the event culminated in an epic selfie contest, which was handily won by Uncle Al according to all of you good readers and the rest of the internet. Though we had no such contest this year, I did inform Uncle Al that he had won last year’s contest, to which he replied “No I didn’t. I never took a picture of myself. I don’t do that.” I tried to tell him that yes, he had indeed taken not just one, but several pictures of himself, but he did not believe me. I even offered to show him proof online, at which point he finally said “Well my wife must have had something to do with that, because I don’t do that.” Then he asked what he had won for a prize and, upon learning that he had won nothing but internet fame and acclaim, he grunted and walked off to find another beer. So that wrapped up the awards ceremony portion of the event.
Now part of the reason that we did not have another epic selfie throwdown was the fact that contest instigator and first runner-up cousin-in-law Joelle was 23 months pregnant and refused to be photographed except under very specific conditions. As you know, she is a proselfsional, and she could have somehow managed to get an epic selfie of herself that made her look 0 months pregnant and walking down the runway at Fashion Week, but this would have taken more effort than it was worth I think, so we tried to think up other fun things to do that did not involve pictures of her ending up on the internet.
One idea involved creating a sort of yearbook for everyone there (since it was a reunion after all – family? high school? what’s the difference?!), but that also seemed a like a ton a work, mostly on my part. Cousin Scott volunteered to be the first person in the yearbook, since we had recently voted him most likely to slap someone. If we had gone with the yearbook theme, this post would have been filled with entries that looked a lot like this:
Although I suppose I should explain the Designated Slapper Rule. Some of you may have read a post that I published last week about religion and gay marriage (never a touchy subject!), and there was a bit of a debate about it between various family members of mine, and mostly friendly so don’t worry. But Cousin Scott was ready for a fight. Anticipating some sort of religious brawl at the family reunion, he informed me that he had my back and that, were any violence called for, he would jump in and attack. This was good news for me because, as a non-violent person, I would probably not slap someone, even it were clearly called for. On the other hand, I am not opposed to seeing someone get slapped by Cousin Scott, so it was a good match. Any time any slapping needed to be done, I just called him over and he would take care of it. I did have to make him slap himself a few times, at the insistence of his wife, first-runner-up cousin-in-law Joelle, but he was fine with that. He knows that, as the designated slapper, he does not get to choose his targets.
Fortunately there was not any religious violence at the reunion. Only good-natured discussion and debate, as we discussed the idea that no one single person’s informed interpretation of any religious text is necessarily authoritative over another. And also the possibility that Hitler might be in heaven. According to religious doctrine, if he asked for forgiveness at the last moments of his life, Adolf could be up there playing the harp with his gleaming halo on. Some family members at the event suggested that it is quite possible, and that many self-righteous people might be very surprised at the number of “undesirables” hanging out with them during their eternal rest. I suppose we won’t know until we cross over, and it is quite possible that we will not have faces any more at that time anyway, but it would be nice to see the looks on some of those angel/ghost faces if they have to hang out with Hitler in the afterlife.
There were other things going on at this reunion, like food, swimming, lighting things on fire, and other standard activities, but once again it was the people that made it worthwhile. I don’t drive 4 hours down to Boston for the Doritos. It was just great chatting/catching up with some good people that I don’t get to see often enough. Thanks for another great party guys, and we’ll see you again next year!