This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending a family reunion, where I got to hang out with all of my aunts and uncles and cousins and second cousins and first cousins once removed and second cousins twice removed and nieces and nephews and mothers and children and adopted half step siblings. And that was just the people on the porch. We ate, drank, lit things on fire, and choreographed dance numbers to “Firework” by Katy Perry, so it was pretty much the best party you could ever imagine.
During the party, while everyone was trying to be interviewed in hopes of making it onto TenorDad.com, I was accused of taking a selfie. This was not the case, and I explained to them that my wife was far better at taking selfies than I was anyway, and then one thing led to another and suddenly I was in the midst of the most epic selfie contest in recorded history. My phone was passed from person to person, and when I got it back I was asked, “Who won?!” And I confess, I have no idea. I have neither the skills nor the attention span to be qualified to judge who took the best selfie. What are the criteria? Was I looking for the funniest one? The sexiest one? Most improved? Uncle Al took at least ten, because he left his finger on the button for quite some time. Which one do I use?
I can’t do it. Internet, I am turning to you for help. Please tell me who the winner of the epic selfie contest is. Here they are, in the order in which they were taken.
#1) Me. Just vote for me. Do not look at the other pictures.
#2) Cousin Bryan. I know he looks cool in this picture, but he left the party early, so do not be fooled. He is not cool.
#3) Cousin Dan. He swears he has never taken a selfie before. He also says not to put any pictures of him on Facebook. He did NOT say not to put him in a blog post and then SHARE it to Facebook however. He should have been more specific.
#4) Dan’s Wife Amanda. She is a professional masseuse. She probably would have told me what to do with my underwear.
#5) Uncle Al. I like the 3rd one.
#6) ANONYMOUS. She said I could put her picture up as long as I didn’t tag her or anything, and I was like “Okay Sarenna Gomes, your identity is safe with me!”
#7) Cousin Heidi. She knows what she is doing. BAM!
#8) Cousin Brenda being Selfiebombed by Cousin Kevin. Not sure if you should judge this as one entry, or two.
#9) Am I allowed to identify minors?
#10) Cousin Scott. Scott would like me to tell you that his hair only looks like that because he dove into the pool to look for Ruby’s earring that she lost, and that even though no one ever found it, he did try really hard, and normally he has much gooier hair.
#11) Brenda’s Husband Michael. I think it would be ironic if he came in 9th in this contest.
#12) Cousin Mike, who refused to participate unless his girlfriend was in the shot as well.
#13) Aunt Ellen. I have been trying to think of a way to describe her expression, but I just can’t. The closest I can come up with is, “the beginning of a happy sneeze.”
#14) Uncle Howard. He says he does not take selfies. He is clearly lying.
#15) My Wife. See? I told them she was good.
#16) Scott’s Wife Joelle. Although we may have to disqualify her, because this was only supposed to be for amateurs, not proselfsionals.
#17) Nephew Joshua. Great. Now I have to disinfect my phone.
#18) First Cousin Once Removed DJ. At least I think that’s what he is. I always get that stuff mixed up.
#19) Toy Grammy.
#20) Faith, taking lessons from Joshua I guess.
#21) Niece Brianna. She is a teenager now, so she needs lot of selfie practice. It is a required skill for the youth of today.
#22) DJ’s Sister Caci. Apparently doing a Dr.Evil impression.
#23) Brianna’s Sister Kimberly. I only wrote that because of how mad she would be if she found out I referred to her as “Brianna’s Sister Kimberly.”
#24) Edward. He is fairly used to stealing my phone and taking pictures of things with it. You have probably seen picture or two of him around here before.
#25) Sister Amy. She will not like it if I say she looks like Toy Grammy, but then she should not wear such similar glasses.
#25) Adopted Half Step Sister Ali. Nevermind. She wins. Contest is over.
#26) Toy Grammy’s Husband Roger. Oh. There are more? Ok, nevermind. Contest not over. How many people had my phone?!
#27) Aunt Jean and Ashley. Jean took an earlier one by herself, but my mother said she loved her sister too much to let me put it online. Sorry, everyone.
#28) Natalie, who only took one because Ashley took one, who only took one because Jean took one with her, who only took that one because my mother vetoed her original one. Anyway, aren’t you glad she gave in and took one? She looks great!
#29) Keith. Well, 92% of Keith anyway.
#30) Faith’s Brother Jackson. Like his father Dan (seen here in the background throwing pizzas onto a fire), this was Jackson’s first selfie.
#31) Ruby. And a marshmallow.
#32) Bear. Wait, what? Bear! How did you get into this contest?! You weren’t even at the party!
“Yes I was.”
That Bear. He is always trying to win selfie contests.
So there you have it. Who won?! Let me know in the comments, so I can tell my family the next time I see them all. Which will probably be a year from now, so, you know, take your time.