The Benefits of Not Having a Wife

We’re home. My wife is finished with grad school (at least the being away from home part of it), and we are all reunited for the foreseeable future. It has been a long several weeks, and I have tried to stay positive as always, even without the love of my life around. In case you, for some reason, do not have a wife (or husband, or roommate with benefits, etc.), I have made this helpful list for you, to get you through the longs nights and longer days.

1. Yes, it’s true that while she was gone the bed was colder and lonelier, and I had no one to snuggle with, or talk over the events of the day with, but on the other hand, I was able to sleep spread out like a giant “X-marks-the-spot.” And the spot it was marking was comfort. Aw yeah!

2. I have a theory about our hot water heater. I think it heats water up, and then sits there letting it cool off until it gets to a certain cold temperature, at which point it starts over again. This means that whoever takes the first shower in the morning gets less hot water, because it is actually lukewarm hot water that has been sitting all night. But the second person gets the benefit of brand new hot water that is nice and scalding and lasts a long time. So without my wife here to get up earlier and take her much shorter shower to clear out the night water, my showers have been shorter, lonelier, and generally less awesome. BUT! On the other hand, we only have one towel rack, and without a second towel on it, I can spread mine out all the way, so it dries faster and looks nicer. Huge fringe benefit there.

3. I used to stay up a lot later. Too late, in fact. I would constantly be staying up past midnight, writing, playing video games, watching Game of Thrones, that sort of thing. I was always tired, because my children do not like sleeping late. Well, one of them does, but when Edward is up, we are all up. This meant that I was always tired and a little sleep-deprived. Luckily, with my wife gone, I have been so completely exhausted doing everything on my own that I have been passing out as early as ten seconds after the children are in bed. No, I don’t feel any less tired, but I am getting way more sleep. That has to be good for me, right?

4. This one should be very obvious to you all. A huge benefit is that I get to eat whatever I want. Whole pints of Ben & Jerry’s, Chewy Chips Ahoy dipped in Duncan Hines vanilla frosting, a 6-pack of Klondike Bars, whatever I want. Just me on the couch, eating all of the things, with no one to suggest that perhaps I ought to share some of it with them. And yes, I have gained 5-10 pounds since Memorial Day, but I’m sure those pounds will melt right off once I start eating better. Whenever that is.

There are probably plenty of other good reasons, but to be honest I’m having a hard time thinking of any of them right now, because I am too happy to have my wife back. But there are pluses and minuses to every life situation, as I hope this list has reminded you, so however you find yourself this morning, know that you are lucky and it’s going to be a great day! And now I’m off to replenish the snack supply!

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Posted in Ben and Jerry's, Game of Thrones, Grad School, Marriage, Parenting, Simone.

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