I was at my niece’s birthday party when Cave Dane jumped out of the shadows and announced a surprise fantasy movie draft. Some of you may remember that last summer my brother-in-law decided to run a fantasy league for summer movies, in which we all got a pool of money with which to purchase summer movies, and whoever had the most box office money at the end of September would win! I was sure I was cruising to a first place finish, but then some of my movies got bumped from the summer! Stupid Ike Mayberry won instead of me, which is a travesty. But this time Cousin Ike had no time to prepare. We all sat down to the table with no information on which movies were predicted to dominate. Well, except cheating Cave Dane of course. If he wins, there is a huge asterisk next to this year’s results in the hall of fame.
Of course stupid Ike got “Avengers 2,” which is the only movie that we all knew would dominate, but he spent so much money on it that he only ended up with 6 films total. I have 10. It’s a slim chance, but the chance is there. If you all go see my movies multiple times, then together we can take down Ike once and for all and I can be king of the box office!
1) Mad Max: Fury Road – Did you know that I have never seen a Mad Max movie? Well I haven’t, but I can assure you that this one will clearly be the best of the bunch! Go see it! A lot!
2) Spy – Melissa McCarthy as a hilarious spy? From the Big D (that is movie mogul talk for “director”) of “Bridesmaids” and “The Heat?” Costarring both Jude Law AND 50 Cent? There is no way that you will not all want to see this over and over again.
3) Inside Out – Finally! A movie that I was going to see anyway! Pixar’s first non-sequel in years, and it looks amazing! I don’t even need to tell you to see this one. I know you will be there with your kids. Or without them. Or just take the whole neighborhood.
4) Minions (Opening Weekend Only) – This is very important. For any movie whose previously installment made more than $200M, the bidding was split into two lots: one for opening weekend, and one for the rest. I got opening weekend of what is sure to be the #2 movie this summer, after “Avengers 2.” So you must go see it. BUT! You must go see it on opening weekend! 7 or 8 times if possible. And then you must NEVER see it again! I hope I am making myself very clear on this point. When “Minions” opens on July 10th, you have until the 12th to see it. Anyone caught seeing this film on the 13th will be unfriended and shouted at.
5) Ant-Man – You know, they just released trailer #2 for this movie, and it is waaaaaaaaay better than the 1st trailer. Now I am excited again. I will go see this movie many times myself, and you can all join me. Superheroes! Marvel! Yes!
6) Pan – Everyone likes Peter Pan, right? And people love origin stories, new takes on fairy tales, and classic literature told through a modern lens, so take advantage of this fantastic looking film, and see Hugh Jackman in a silly mustache.
7) Fantastic Four – Okay, even I don’t know why I ended up with this movie. It looks terrible. The main super villain is, supposedly, a blogger. Bloggers are awesome! They are not super villains! What you should do, to protest this poor depiction of bloggers in the media, is to buy all of the tickets to every showing, and then host a public ticket burning. Invite the press. Get famous. Start a blog. In fact, let’s each commit to burning at least 100 fully-paid-for tickets on release day, August 7th.
8) Ricki and the Flash – This is a movie from the people who brought you “Silence of the Lambs” and “Juno.” What? Really? Yes. And if that is not intriguing enough, it stars Meryl Streep as a rock star. Yeah. This is the weirdest sounding thing ever. You HAVE to go see it!
9) Regression – I’m not entirely sure what this movie is, but I think it has Hermione Granger in it, which is reason enough to see any film. Emma Watson is just the best. Let’s support her career and make this movie the biggest hit of the summer!
10) War Room – I know nothing about this movie. I don’t think any famous people are in it, and it may or may not have a plot, but if you see it playing anywhere, please go see it as a favor to me. Thanks.
As a final note, Cousin Ike Mayberry only got “the rest” of Avengers 2, so seeing it on opening weekend will not help him at all. You have my full permission to watch it at that time. I know I’ll be there. As many times as possible.