Hey people! It’s Friday! That means you want to read something fun and easy before your weekend. Something like a list! But lists are so overdone, aren’t they? So many numbered items… But why do we never rank the numbers themselves?! I will fix that right now. Here are the top 10 integers between one and ten, inclusive.
10) 6 – Six is the worst. What is the point of it? You’re old enough to cause some damage, but not old enough to know better. Six is not prime, it is not a square or a cube. All it has going for it, really, is that it is half of a dozen and it is an excellent roll of the die.
9) 9 – Nine is not much better. What is cool about nine? Well, it is a square number, so that’s okay, and if you multiply it by any other number, the digits will always add back up to nine. That’s a cool a trick. But nine is a bit odd, and it always seems like it just really wants to be ten. Plus it was eaten by seven, according to a joke my daughter told me.
8) 8 – Eight is only better than nine by a hair. It is two cubed, which is a smidge better than being three squared, and it is even, which is nice for us OCD types. But it doesn’t have much else going for it, other than that it is enough, which makes nine even more superfluous.
7) 1 – One may not be a lot, but it pulls ahead of some of the larger numbers for being the original. Without one, you really don’t have anything, now do you? Everything starts with one, though sadly it is the loneliest number, which makes it not so much fun at parties.
6) 7 – Aw yeah, lucky sevens! That’s what you want to see! Now we are getting into some of the better numbers. Seven is not lonely. Seven is awesome. It is a prime, prime number, and it wants to take you out and get you drunk. Do not trust seven. But if you keep your wits about you, seven will show you a good time. Some examples of fun sevens include Final Fantasy VII, Sevendust, and (presumably) Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens.
5) 5 – Five is like seven, but better. It is also odd and prime, but it likes more music and is a real friend. Remember every time you have ever gotten a high five? Yeah, that was five. Do you like Maroon 5? No? What about Ben Folds 5? No? Jurassic 5? The Dave Clark Five? The Jackson 5?! Yeah, you like one of them anyway. Five does lose points for the abysmal Star Trek V: The Undiscovered Country, but Star Wars Episode V more than makes up for it. Have a Five Alive and just enjoy life with this hip integer.
4) 2 – Two is your basic, solid dependable number. You have two hands, two feet, two eyes, two ears, and two of plenty of other items. Two is exactly the right number of people for romance, and it is the largest number of children you can have while still holding on to any shred of your sanity. My parents had three kids, and look at them! No, two, the first even number, the only even prime number, the number that causes your DNA to pair up and thus creating your life and existence, is a real mensch. Hardworking two, you have our thanks.
3) 4 – Is there anything more comforting than 4/4 time? Four is a foundation. Four corners. Four legs on a table or chair. Four wheels on your car. Four score and seven years ago. Four is a spectacular number. It is even. It is a square number. It is compact, but it is versatile. A duet is fine, but when you have a quartet? Now you have the magic. Plus Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is still the best one. I’m for four!
2) 3 – What can I even say about three? It is powerful. It makes things happen. It makes people die. When two people have died, you know you are looking for that third one. When I start counting, you know I’d better not get to three, or else! It is the number we use for setting up jokes. We use three to make a triad, a trio, a triple bacon cheeseburger, and a ménage à trois. There are three bears, three little pigs, three billy goats gruff, and three little maids from school. And if you like Three Dog Night or Third Eye Blind, thank a three.
1) 10 – At the top of the list, of course, is ten. Are you really surprised? Without ten, we wouldn’t even have a top ten list! In a decimal system, ten is king. You get an extra digit! No contest! Ten fingers, ten toes, ten Game of Thrones episode each season, there’s no beating that. And if you have ever given someone a high ten, you know that it is twice as good as a high five. You have to be pretty stoked to give someone a high ten. That’s how slammin’ ten is. Ten is the biggest. Ten is the baddest. In the ranks of the numbers, number ten will always be number one.