1) It Takes Money to Lose Money
If you do not have any money, you will not be worried about losing any of it. Stocks, interest rates, and all sorts of other boring and stressful things will be somebody else’s headache. You can sit back and enjoy the peace of mind that comes with knowing that you have nothing to lose.
2) Rich People are Jerks
This is a scientifically proven fact. The more money you have, the less empathy you exhibit. Even nice rich people are still total d-bags compared to your generous lower middle class friends, and wouldn’t you rather be nice? No? Hmmm. You sound like a rich person.
3) Your Chance of Being Robbed Goes Way Down
Nobody wants to steal from a poor person. You’ve got no lock on your door. That’s no way to be. You’ve got plenty of nothing, and it’s plenty for you.
4) Lower Expectations
If you don’t happen to make something of yourself, it’s understandable! You have no money! How the heck were you supposed to get ahead with the deck stacked against you!? Nobody paid off your college loans, or co-signed your mortgage. You did everything on your own, so of course it didn’t go very well. Now, when that rich kid flunks out of Yale, they’re going to get some disappointed looks. Sure, they’ll probably be rich and successful for the rest of their lives anyway, but they will still get that extra moment of stink-eye. Eat it, rich kid!
5) Money is Covered in Germs
Do you know how dirty money is? All sorts of people pass it around, from wallet to register, from dirty hand to slimy paw, and by the time you get hold of it you may as well be licking a petri dish full of ebola. No, better to avoid money completely.
6) Overcoming Adversity Builds Character
Do you know who is boring? A person that never had anything bad happen to them. If you ask someone what the worst thing that ever happened to them was, and they say “this one time I liked a girl, but she wouldn’t go out with me,” or “the stock market crash of ’08,” you can know that they will never be as interesting as you. Bad stuff happens to poor people all the time! Like not eating. Or not having a place to live. And those things make you awesome.
7) Poor is a Better Word Than Rich
Poor rhymes with things like “More” and “Secure” and “Sure.” Rich rhymes with “Snitch” and “Twitch” and “Witch” and, well, this is a family friendly blog.
8) Poor People Get to Go to Heaven Sooner
Can we agree that this world is terrible? Good. So we can all agree that we want to leave it as soon as possible, right? The next world has got to be better than this. Hopefully there will be less fighting and more swing dancing. And rich people statistically live much longer than poor people. Ha ha! Take that, rich healthy person! Have fun watching the Earth slowly die, while I’m up doing the Charleston with Joan of Arc.
9) The Government Pays For Everything
If you are mediumly poor, the government will not pay for anything (believe me, I’ve checked), but if you decide to go full-blown poor, you can get food, shelter, health care, babysitting, and iPhones sent directly to your house by the feds. Awesome! And the best part is, the rich people who are always complaining about it are perpetuating the system by forcing an unnaturally low minimum wage! Why does it make more financial sense to do nothing than to work at McDonald’s? Because selfish rich people keep it that way. Thanks, selfish rich people!
10) Money is Imaginary
It’s all a trick, folks! It’s just paper and metal and computer data! It doesn’t actually mean anything, except that we say it does! Do you have fewer talents and skills than a billion dollar CEO? Of course not! They are using their imaginary power (and skill at creating more imaginary power) to trick you! Don’t fall for it! They are dark wizards practicing the dark arts! Money made a sort of sense back when it actually stood for something that you could barter with, but we gave that up a long time ago. Now, it is meaningless. Don’t be part of a corrupt system!
So in conclusion, money is very bad for you, and if you would like to get rid of all of yours, please send me a private message, and I will arrange to collect it and dispose of it for you. You’re welcome.