1) You can tell how much I have listened to a song by how well I can sing the instrumental break.
2) People who are clamoring for a “dislike” button on Facebook are greatly overestimating how much people enjoy everything they themselves are posting.
3) Causing the ten cars behind you to slam on their brakes so that you can let one other car out is not “being polite.”
4) Fracking is so bad for the planet that even its name sounds dirty.
5) Being annoyed does not give you the right to be unkind.
6) It’s tough being you, but you’re probably better at it than anyone else, so we need you to keep doing it. Sorry.
7) The church is so male-centric that even the songs they sing there are called “Him”s.
8) I will never understand how my children can sit peacefully next to one another for hours, but within three minutes of my getting in the shower, someone is pounding on the door crying. Every. Single. Time.
9) I’m not sure what the root of all evil is, but I know that Candy Crush Saga is somehow involved.
10) Thirty-year-olds playing teenagers on TV cause me to feel really old when I encounter an actual teenager.
11) If your argument against a proposed law is that “criminals will not follow it,” I expect you to extend that oppositional thinking to all current laws as well.
12) All superhero names sound stupid until you get used to them.
13) Finding a best friend is harder than finding a significant other, because they will not stick around if you are annoying but sexy.
14) If you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, I am 40% a little kid, 40% a cat, and 20% the internet.
15) I have been with my wife for half of my life. When I think of memories that happened before we started dating, my brain just puts her in there anyway.
16) You’re either a red/purple/blue popsicle person, or a yellow/orange/green popsicle person. There is no middle ground in the war between berry and citrus.
17) When you can’t put what you’re feeling into words, sing it.
18) I use the internet to answer my children’s questions. I’m pretty sure my parents just made stuff up.
19) You can ask an increasingly infinite series of “why” questions, but eventually the answer is going to be “just because.”
20) I should have gone to bed a long time ago. I think I will do that now, and then post this in the morning.