Tenor Dad’s Patented Weight Loss Tips (Patent Pending)

As an expert in the field of personal weight loss (you will be pleased to know that I have lost 15 pounds in the past two months), it has occurred to me that you may also want to reap the benefits of my vast knowledge. Sure, some of it is hard work, but really weight loss can be boiled down to some easy “tips” that you can implement with little to no effort. Just like you always suspected! Hooray!

And so, without further ado, here are my official tips for getting that scale to have a lower number every morning!

  1. Weigh yourself after you showerYou are covered in disgusting dirt and germs. If you weigh yourself before you shower, all of that weight will be added to your total unfairly.
  2. Shave before your weigh-in – Stubble has mass, and mass has weight. Shave it off! Lose those micrograms! Ladies, you have tons of extra places to shave so your potential to lose weight is higher! Or guys, go ahead and shave those legs. Tell people you are a swimmer. Just lose that weight!
  3. Get frequent haircuts – Sure, shaving will lose you a little weight, but a haircut is even better! Depending on how long your hair is, you can lose a whole pound with an aggressive haircut! You’re closer than ever to your goal!
  4. Stop eating ice cream sundaes every night before bed – You should limit giant ice cream sundaes before bed to every other night. I know it is a big sacrifice, but you will really see the dramatic results when the elastic in your waistband starts lasting longer before it gives out.
  5. Think light thoughts – Imagine yourself to be a balloon, slowly lifting off of the scale. Lift your shoulders, expand your chest, and just will yourself to become lighter and less dense. It’s all in the mind! Alter reality with your brain!
  6. Make sure that you are the only one on the scale – There is a chance that one of your children is currently climbing on you. You get so used to it that you don’t even notice. Is there one on you now? Gently remove it and weigh yourself again. Look! You’ve lost 50 lbs!
  7. Three words: Poop, Poop, Poop – Look, can we be real here? You need to get rid of any excess weight that your body is currently holding. If you haven’t just pooped, there is no reason to get onto that scale. But (very important!) do not fart! You need that lighter-than-air methane to decrease your final number.
  8. Blow your nose – It’s not just poop you have to worry about! Get those heavy boogers out! Spit a bunch of times too. Clean out your ears. You only want to be weighing the good stuff.
  9. Helium – Before you step onto the scale, take a big hit of helium and hold it in your lungs. Helium is lighter than air and will cause you to be lighter as well. This works every time!
  10. Eat well and exercise – This is a last resort if those other suggestions do not work. Hopefully by the time you get this far down the list you will have achieved your weight loss goal. But if not, you could always try eating fewer calories, getting regular exercise, and making sure the things you eat are nutritious. Maybe ice cream sundaes before bed zero nights a week. But that sounds like a lot of not fun work, so use this tip only in an emergency.

There you have it! Just follow these helpful tips and you will be well on your way to a lower number on that scale! And if it doesn’t work, maybe shave your eyebrows off?

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Posted in Exercise, Farts, Food, Haircut, Health, Humor, Poop, Shower, Weight.

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